Orphanage visits in Jamaica. Coming home to our large, mostly empty house. Wondering about God's plan for our family. Will our home ever be filled with our children, adopted or biological (the latter seems less likely as time moves on)? Or is the Divine Exchange a home filled with ministry? As my 40s creep closer and the dream of a large family appears more elusive, I search for an explanation, an alternative. The why behind the closed womb. An answer to the daunting question of adoption (mounds of paperwork, red tape, waiting lists, and $$$ for international adoptions).
Down to the marrow of my bones, I believe that God's plan is the best plan. But am I missing it? Is the battle with infertility meant to push us to fill our home with children who need a home? Or is it something else altogether since the means necessary for adoption doesn't seem forthcoming? I am willing to exchange my dreams for God's best, whatever that is. It's just the waiting and uncertainty that get to me every time.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Parking Lot Ponderings
A short exchange in the parking lot of the grocery store left me with a lot to ponder recently. As I was putting groceries into the car, an older lady walking by jokingly asked where I found Jacie in the store and commented that she'd take 10 of her! I laughed and made some reply. The short conversation turned nostalgic fast as often happens when talking with a mom whose children are grown. She gave me the oft-repeated advice to enjoy each moment since they grow up so fast. Her parting comment is the one that stuck with me. She stated, "When they're adults, they don't even know you exist." The mix of sharp bitterness and sadness in her tone filled me with deep sympathy for this mother (and all mothers) who've given their hearts and days to their children only to feel rejected by those same children in their old age. I wanted to shake the offending adult children of this aged mama, and castigate them for their neglect.
On further thought, as I drove away, I began to imagine possible rejoinders from these unknown adult children. Perhaps their mother had contributed to the estrangement or lack of compassion in her adult children by the way she'd treated them while they were younger. I thought of my mother and how my grown siblings and myself flock to her like a drove of bees to the queen bee when she's around. Her manner of raising us and graciousness has drawn us to her even in our adult years rather than driving us away. The takeaway of the parking lot encounter for me was a challenge to win the heart of my daughter, not by being her buddy, but by being a woman she can respect and a mother who handles her daughter's heart with care.
On further thought, as I drove away, I began to imagine possible rejoinders from these unknown adult children. Perhaps their mother had contributed to the estrangement or lack of compassion in her adult children by the way she'd treated them while they were younger. I thought of my mother and how my grown siblings and myself flock to her like a drove of bees to the queen bee when she's around. Her manner of raising us and graciousness has drawn us to her even in our adult years rather than driving us away. The takeaway of the parking lot encounter for me was a challenge to win the heart of my daughter, not by being her buddy, but by being a woman she can respect and a mother who handles her daughter's heart with care.
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