So I was at the library recently, browsing titles while Jacie played in the children's room when I came across a book about The Only Child (I don't remember the exact title). I picked it up, surfed the Table of Contents, and skimmed over chapters that caught my interest. Of course, as a secular book, it was missing many of the Biblical reasons to have multiple children, but much of it was addressed to the parent(s) who did not plan to just have one child. Some beliefs/"myths" (their term) were cited such as feeling that your child will miss out on the "big, happy family" scene -- lots of playmates, forever friends, "us-against-the-world," "loyal-to-the-end" siblings. I found myself nodding in agreement --- this is certainly one of my great fears/sadnesses as I think about Jacie being an only child, even if it's just for a block of time. The book tried to "correct" that notion, saying that some sibling are competitors, fighting more than friends. It also alleged that only children are more confident, achieve more, and are happier in general. The book warned that children pick up on parents' projections, so that if a parent believes that her only child is somehow "gypped" of siblings, the child will pick up on this perspective and feel bereft and robbed, too. However, according to the book, if the parents are content with only one child, the child will not have experience any sense of "missing out."
As stated before, I took much of the book's reasoning with a grain of salt since it was written from a secular psychologist's standpoint, but it did cause me to re-examine my own attitude. Perspective is everything, they say. Some people plan for and want only one child. So they would view me as crazy to be upset or affected in any way by having only one child. Our perspective is also influenced by the people around us. As a theologically conservative Christian, I have deliberately surrounded myself with friends, family, books, blogs, and other media from this same conservative Christian perspective. Rightly so, the family emphasis of these sources celebrates children in unlimited numbers, encouraging adoption in addition to biological children. So as I mentally backed up to analyze my perspective after perusing the library book, I wondered how much of my sorrow and disappointment is based on an expectation that has been shaped by the influences in my life. Maybe the beautiful image of a successful Christian family = many kids, all happy, healthy, well-disciplined, and home-schooled should be replaced by the reality that God's definition of a successful Christian family differs for each one, according to His Divine Sovereignty.
This isn't the first time I've had to re-align my thinking from the Christian culture around me. As a single woman in my 20's, I did not fit the "good Christian girl" expectation of getting married right out of Bible college. I wanted to. The expectation was just as much mine as it was the church's. Bible reading, biography reading, and prayer brought me to the rightful conclusion that following God's unique plan for my life meant serving Him in whatever state He had me.
The connection I'm making between singleness and "single-childness" makes sense to me. Not that I will not continue to pursue God's leading for more children -- either biologically or by adoption or both -- but that maybe it's okay to have only one child. Obviously, this IS the state He has me in -- by design, not by accident. Doesn't belief in His sovereignty mean that we accept what He's given us, realizing He gives only good gifts? Sadly, I would be fearful to even voice this view to some well-meaning Christians. I know that the rebuttal will be "But I know so-and-so who adopted" or "have you tried this....?" Back in the day, childless couples just accepted their childless state and filled their lives with service. I know several older couples like this -- missionaries, Christian school teachers, and church leaders. Lest any of this rambling be misconstrued, I am so pro large families and I am so pro-adoption! But might I be so bent on fulfilling these goals/expectations that I miss God's plan for my family and me? Am I putting words in His mouth when I assume that a lack of biological children necessitates adoption?
Mullings... musings.... thoughts still in process....
