Love, Christmas, and Jamaica

A formal proposal with a ring followed shortly after the NYC conversation.  By the end of November 2005, we were officially engaged.  I flew out to Jamaica to meet Conroy's family for the first time that Christmas and fell more in love with heritage of the man I was to marry.  Looking through family photo albums that Christmas, I dreamt of the day I'd get to bring our children to their father's homeland and introduce them to their heritage as well. Conroy stayed behind in Jamaica for an additional week while I flew home to spend my last Christmas as a single adult in my parents' home.

That week was the longest amount of time we had spent apart since we had begun dating.  Each day seemed excruciatingly long as I counted the moments until our reunion.  The time spent together in Jamaica, focused almost exclusively on each other without the daily distractions of work and ministry, immediately followed by a week of separation confirmed to me that he was my other half.  In my mind, by this time, I was as committed to Conroy as if we were already married.  We actually even talked fleetingly of eloping while we were in Jamaica, but knew that our separate commitments as RDs would suffer if we came back married (not to mention how left out my family and our friends in the U.S. would feel!).  So we reluctantly agreed we would wait the additional six months until June of 2006.

Waiting at the airport in JFK to pick up my fiance, I finally caught sight of his famous smile, then secondarily noticed how formally he was dressed.  Upon questioning him about it later during the drive home, I was shocked to find out he'd almost been stuck in Jamaica due to a passport/immigration snafu.  He had been in the U.S. embassy just hours before his flight was to take off trying to convince the official that he was indeed gainfully employed by a religious institution as his papers stated. The skeptical passport agent finally located Conroy's picture on the college website and granted him a renewed passport just in time for Conroy to jump in the car and catch his flight to the U.S.  Such international red tape drama is par for the course, but my mind reeled to consider how our lives might have been drastically affected had the agent's whim resulted in Conroy's visa being cancelled.  (Conroy has many such stories of God's direct intervention in getting through visa red tape, but that's for another blog...) Never a dull moment!

God Will Make a Way....

The next couple weeks following this impasse were difficult emotionally for me.  I would give the situation over to the Lord, then take it back.  I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster -- one moment resting in the Lord and trusting His provision, the next trying to figure how we could get married or what to do if Conroy didn't want to give up his 10-year plan.  Thankfully, God was merciful to me and didn't allow me to stay in turmoil for long!

One morning early in November, Conroy burst into the office where I worked as the college admissions administrative assistant. Excitedly, he pulled me into the back room where he could tell me his news in private.  The school had offered him a full-time job as recruiter for the admissions office.  He would get to travel, speaking in churches and high school chapels while representing the school.  The job lined up well with Conroy's strengths, and he could start in two weeks!  What a quick and exact answer to our prayers!  I wanted to say, "Now we can get married!" But Conroy hadn't said that, so I didn't want to jump ahead if he hadn't come to that same conclusion himself.

Though still a bit worried that Conroy hadn't/ wouldn't come around to wanting to get married in the near future, my heart was encouraged by this evidence of God's provision.  Deep in my bones, I felt certain that we could not, would not wait long to get married.  I tried to guess in my head -- this summer?  the following summer?  Surely not much longer than that, Lord!

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Sometime before this, we had volunteered to drive down to NYC to pick up a friend from the airport and drive her back to Binghamton.  The three-hour trip was a welcome time together.  Most of our days were filled with our full-time jobs, full-time grad school, and full-time RD responsibilities, making time alone together something that often got relegated to late-night runs at the only track in town with lighting.  Dating while working together in front of a campus full of students had its drawbacks, to be sure.  Despite those drawbacks, I'm grateful for the real world issues we had to learn to deal with even while dating.  We had no illusions that life would be too different in any future ministry scenario.

As we approached the George Washington bridge arching over the black waters of the Hudson, the lights of the city twinkled in the distance matching the overhead stars in the velvety dark sky.  Interrupting the momentary pause in conversation, Conroy dramatically announced, "I have a question to ask you."  My heart stuck in my throat --- how I hoped it was THE question!  "What do you think about us getting married this summer?"  he asked in an almost casual tone.  My mind exploded with a million thoughts -- how and when had he changed his mind?  And without any hint or warning to me! Of course, I wholeheartedly agreed once I found my voice.  At some point, I did ask Conroy what made him change his mind from his 10-year plan to 7 months from then. He replied simply, "I just thought how nice it would be for us to always be together instead having to go our separate ways at the end of the day."

Ten-Year Plan

Not long into our dating relationship, Conroy and I began discussing marriage.  For reasons discussed in my previous post, we were fairly certain of the direction of our dating relationship.  My feelings that I had questioned so much over the summer of 2005 were blossoming at a rate that almost scared me.  I had never given my heart away before, had never allowed myself to fall in love completely.  I had always been a very guarded person in that way and had purposely never even allowed myself to say the words "I love you" to any man before, believing as I did (and do) that love is more than a feeling -- it is a commitment.

Though our feelings were strong and our confidence in one another certain, Conroy had long- term goals that he wanted to fulfill prior to marriage. He planned to finish his masters degree (in progress at this time), then go on to complete his Ph.D.  His estimate of completion of this plan was somewhere around 10 years.  When he first mentioned this to me, I laughed, not taking him seriously.    I was 29 years old.  I was not planning to wait 10 years to get married.  In addition, I strongly felt that dating for 10 years would be very unhealthy for us.  My response once I recognized his seriousness was "If you wait 10 years to get married, it won't be to me."

The other more practical obstacle to getting married sooner was Conroy's job situation.  He had come to the U.S. on a student visa and switched to a religious workers visa when the college hired him on as resident Director of the men's dorm.  The resident director position was not a paying position for either of us.  We lived in the dorms and provided supervision in exchange for free rent and free meals in the college cafeteria.  I had another full time job in addition to the begin RD, but Conroy's visa limited his work options.  Essentially, he had to stay only under the employ of the college to stay within the guidelines of his visa.  We weren't sure how probable it would be that a full time job would open up for Conroy given the small size of the college.

Only the first obstacle was under our control anyway, and after doing as much talking as I could to change Conroy's mind, I resolved to leave the entire situation in the Lord's hands.  I certainly didn't want to have to convince or talk Conroy into marrying me!  The Lord had been faithful in every aspect of our relationship up to this point, and I knew I could trust Him to lead us right at this crossroads as well.

It's Official!

On August 6, 2005, two days after that fateful birthday outing, we officially started dating.  On that night, in the little office which Conroy and I used alternately after hours to complete online grad school work, the discussion inevitably turned to our status as a couple. Much debate and conversation had already been expended regarding the effect our relationship would have on the student body.  Being in a highly visible position on a small campus had its drawbacks with regard to us dating.  The last thing I wanted was to go through a big, emotional break up in front of a campus full of students and faculty! In addition, we would still have to work together.  Even being "on display" throughout the dating process was enough to give me second thoughts!  But underneath these discussions ran the barely acknowledged certainty that this relationship would not end. So certain was I of Conroy's character and calling that I remember thinking if I date him, we will probably get married.

For most people, the dating stage is used as the time to get to know each other.  It has its awkward moments, its attempts to impress and "put one's best foot forward," its fights and quarrels in an effort to learn to communicate with one another.  For us, our friendship allowed us to surpass most of these things.  I am so grateful to God for this!  Once we entered the dating stage, it would have been hard to honestly get to know each other without the cloud of physical attraction and other pressures distracting us.  Because we had already spent a lot of time communicating and getting to know each other minus the rose-colored glasses, we had a fair idea of what we were getting into.  In addition, we already knew that each had the certain qualities and qualifications that the other was looking for in a spouse.  Each of us had felt the call of God individually on our lives for full-time ministry so we knew that we were looking for spouses with ministry callings, as well.  I say all this to explain that it wasn't blind love (or lust) that caused me to be so certain that I would marry Conroy from the outset of our dating relationship; it was a certainty built on the sure knowledge of his character and on the strong foundation of our friendship.

The day after we started dating, Conroy had dinner with my parents and me since they had already made plans to come to Binghamton to take me out for my birthday. Once again, it didn't seem weird or odd that he was meeting my parents so soon in our brand new relationship.  My parents were simply getting to know my good friend, now boyfriend, quickly on his way to becoming the love of my life.

The Start of Something Big

Before I left for California, Conroy asked if I had plans for my birthday.  That year my birthday fell in the middle of the work week, so I had no plans on that day, though my parents were planning to make the hour and a half drive to take me out on the weekend.  Conroy warned me not to make any other plans, but that he wanted to take me out after work on my birthday.  He told me to think about where I saw myself in 5-10 years and what my life goals were.  He surely knew the way to my heart! I was looking forward to an evening of great conversation, excited at the thought of sharing goals and dreams with someone as interested and interesting as Conroy.  I knew his thoughtful, probing questions and insightful comments would make for meaty, "level five" communication that I so valued.

My brother's wedding took place less than a week before my birthday.  So when Conroy came to pick me up from the airport, my birthday was only a few days away.  No great ephiphanies or melodramatic movie airport reunion scenes occurred. In fact, our reunion left me a bit nonplussed. Had I been over romanticizing our connection? Should I just tell Conroy right now that it's never going to happen, that my feelings weren't what his were?  Once again, I uttered the prayer I'd been praying for the past month, " God, please flip the switch if this relationship is meant to be! This guy is everything I have always wanted and more, but I need to feel more than just friendship for him in order to take the next step."

The day of my birthday arrived.  Conroy took me to a local park, surprising me by planning a picnic dinner.  He put the chicken on the grill to cook and I settled on the picnic table bench, chatting as he lit the coal. Deep in conversation as the evening wore on, we scarcely noticed that the chicken wasn't cooking until, as darkness descended, a park ranger came to tell us the park was closing.  We took our undercooked chicken, packed our uneaten picnic dinner, and left for Denny's.  Over our belated supper, at one point in the conversation, Conroy leaned toward me and said intently, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." I don't remember my verbal response, but I remember that moment with a spellbound clarity.  And, in my heart, deep down, I knew for certain, too, that this was the man with whom I wanted to be in a life long conversation.

Later that already late evening (probably more like 1 or 2 AM), we paused on the stone bench outside of the restaurant, almost unconsciously resisting the inevitable ending to our evening.   Of those last few minutes of conversation, I remember little except that, watching Conroy as he talked, all I wanted was for him to kiss me.  And, in that moment, I knew --- the switch had flipped.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

July of 2005 brought a wedding (not mine) -- my brother married his California bride in San Jose. My family made plans to fly out and spend an extra week after the wedding as family vacation time, sightseeing and touring the Bay area.  I said goodbye to Conroy, making arrangements with him to pick me up from the airport upon my return.  I still wasn't sure how I felt about him.  I felt no closer to any concrete decision about moving forward in a relationship with Conroy than I had on the day he told me of his feelings.

"He's just a friend,"  I assured my inquisitive aunt one night in our hotel room upon ending yet another two-hour conversation with Conroy.  "Hmmm, "  she murmured cryptically.  "You don't spend two hours on the phone every night with 'just a friend.'" This statement stuck like a burr in my mind.  And so did Conroy.  Being away, not seeing him every day as I was used to doing since we worked together and lived on the same campus --- I realized how inextricably my life had become woven with his.  He was my best friend already. I wanted to share every part of my day with him (thus the long phone conversations).  But was this enough?

The words of a good friend of mine echoed in my head:  "Conroy is one of the godliest guys I've ever met!  I don't know if I've ever been around someone so passionate about God!"  Her words had nudged me a bit out of my complacency.  If I didn't make a decision soon, perhaps some other wonderful, more deserving girl (like my friend) would snatch him up! Her statement also prompted the memory of my list of qualities in an ideal guy written as a teenager --  passion for God and passion for people topped the list.  Anyone who knew Conroy at all knew that he exuded those qualities.  What else could I possibly want or ask for?  A tiny thrill of fear/excitement shivered through me.  Could he actually be the one God had for me?  What if I made the wrong decision and let this amazing man slip away?

I enjoyed the time away, relishing time with family and friends, rejoicing with my brother in his happiness. The unintended result of this time apart for Conroy and me proved to be helpful in giving me the clarity I was looking for.  At least, I began to see myself as leaning more toward saying "yes" than not.

The Tipping Point

In early July of 2005, my phone rang toward the end of the evening.  Conroy asked if I would meet him in the Student Development Office downstairs (my apartment and the Women's Dorm were on the top two stories of the college's academic building).  I agreed and came down to the office to find a student had stopped by to chat.  Quickly dismissing the student, Conroy closed the door after her and turned his attention to me.  In response to my questioning look, he calmly yet firmly stated that he needed to tell me that he was interested in me.

My mind reeled with a hundred thoughts.  Just that afternoon, I had spent time with the Lord in repentance for an empty flirtation I had allowed myself to become distracted by.  Conroy's statement of intentions coming so closely on the heels of my renewed commitment to honor The Lord in my singleness seemed incongruous.  I remember thinking that surely I needed time to "prove myself" to God again before He might "reward me" with a relationship.  Surely I must do some penance first! But how gracious our God is to forgive, and His gifts are not tied to our performance or "worthiness," thankfully!

Rapidly following this line of thinking came the inner question, "Am I interested back?"  Per the growing realizations discussed in previous posts, I knew I was interested enough not to immediately slam the door on Conroy's expression of interest.

These swirling thoughts resulted in a stammered response along the lines of  "I don't know.  I'm just not sure right now."  I don't remember how much else I expressed of what I was thinking.  I do remember a couple of Conroy's follow-up remarks, including wanting to get a chance to tell me how he felt before the next potential suitor came along (to which I almost laughed aloud -- for the vast majority of my twenties I had not had one suitor; this past year, my 28th year, had simply been a fluke).  Conroy also asked if me putting him off should be interpreted as "please pursue me."  Subltely and mind games between men and women had been a frequent topic of past conversations between us, so this question did not seem out of context to me.  In fact, it had the effect of reminding me just who is was I was talking to --- a dear friend with whom I could always be open and comfortable.  I laughed and shook my head in response, "No, I'm not playing games with you.  I just need some time to think about it.  Let's not change anything right now."

But words spoken cannot be unspoken, and so, though the comfort level never changed between us, a heightened awareness hung over our interactions over the next few weeks.

The Evolution of a Friendship

October 2004 - June 2005 proved to be a difficult time for me emotionally.  I was 28 and still single, struggling as never before with this reality.  A couple of prospects appeared on the scene, but both were obviously wrong for me.  Conroy moved on (apparently reading my non-verbal signals quite accurately) and began dating someone else during that time as well.  Throughout the year, we maintained our friendship, continuing to run together, brainstorming and collaborating on ideas for our respective dorms and the college students in our charge.

In May of 2005, a couple of key conversations pushed open the door in my mind allowing me to see Conroy in a new light.  The first conversation took place over an impromptu Chinese dinner at a local hole-in-the-wall diner.  I was vacillating over ending a relationship with the latest guy, discussing with Conroy my concerns (his own dating relationship had ended by this time, as well).  He wisely and succinctly cut through my rationalizations and pointed out a very real concern. Worded carefully, yet so full of truth, the clarity of his statement stopped me in my tracks.  As I nodded my head in concession to Conroy's point, I could hear the proverbial nail hammering the coffin shut on any potential relationship with the guy we were discussing. At the same time, I found myself respecting Conroy's wisdom and becoming more aware of the influence his opinion had on me.

Another incident where I turned to Conroy for wisdom and direction occurred over a sticky situation in the women's dorm where I was partially at fault.  Once again, his clear, direct advice hit home, and I resolved the issue as he advised, recognizing the wisdom of his words.

 For me, these incidents were important turning points in my realization that Conroy was someone I could respect and follow.  Like most women, I wanted a strong leader as a life mate. I knew I would find it hard to follow someone whose opinion I did not respect.  It was rare for me to seek advice of any male outside of my own family.  So the very fact that I found myself turning to Conroy for guidance was especially significant to me.  My relationship with Conroy had moved from one of him seeking me out for advice (as a new RD), to a peer working relationship, to friendship, and now to viewing him as a spiritual leader.

Just Friends

Conroy sought me out that summer of 2004 to get my "advice" and take on being a dorm parent.  He asked if we could go for coffee at Barnes and Noble so he could "pick my brain" about being RD (resident director).  Though I'm sure he genuinely desired to do well at his new job, in later years he confided that he was also looking for a way to get to know me.... Seeing that we were the only two RDs on a campus with only one women's residential hall and one men's residential hall, it was inevitable that we would need to work together.  I did not question his motive for the Barnes and Noble date/meeting, having no designs of my own on him at that time.

We both remember that conversation at Barnes and Noble with fond clarity.  The easy conversation over coffee and carrot cake quickly departed from any prepared questions of Conroy's.  Being a normally reserved person who felt that it took me awhile to warm up to people, I was pleasantly surprised at the immediate comfort level I felt with Conroy.

That initial meeting led to many more "work-related" get-togethers and conversations.  I say "work-related" because they always started out that way, then usually sidetracked into more personal, friendly conversation.  Conroy found out that I liked to run, so we often drove to a park or local track to run together and chat.  I still did not feel anything other than a friendly connection with Conroy and sometimes worried that I should not encourage these long talks lest I give him the wrong impression. We talked a lot about relationships and what we were looking for in potential spouses.  While these conversations really worried me that he may be hinting at something, I also convinced myself that since Conroy is such a friendly, personable guy, he probably talked this way with everyone.

Parenthetical note:  My hesitancy regarding Conroy at this point had more to do with our age difference than anything else.  I simply did not view him in the light of a potential boyfriend/husband.     He was (and is!) a great guy --- fun to be around and easy to talk to.  I saw him as a good friend whose company I valued greatly, but that was the extent of my feelings for him in the fall of 2004.

Ships in the Night

So Conroy arrives in the United States to attend (then) Practical Bible College in the fall of 2000.  I return from China and begin teaching at a small Christian school in Cortland, NY.  Perhaps we saw each other at times when I drove down to college to visit my brother and sister who attended Practical at that time.  I have no real recollection of Conroy at that time.  Now in the same general location, still we ran in parallel circles, barely overlapping, fighting our individual battles, growing through the challenges God placed in each of our lives.

For me, the next few years involved a lot of moving and continued soul-searching, battling it out with God about where my niche in life was as a young single woman with a desire to be used of God.  I moved to California and back, settling briefly in Scranton, PA before being asked to come back to Practical Bible as the women's residential director in the fall of 2003.  I believed this move was a direct answer to prayer for me to find fulfillment and purpose in ministry, using my singleness for God's glory.  So with a full, expectant heart, I gladly accepted the call.

My first year as RD was Conroy's senior year of college.  During this year, I still did not really know him well, but saw him from a distance and knew him by reputation.  At the end of the school year in the spring of 2004,  the Department Head asked me for my professional opinion of Conroy in regard to hiring him as the new resident director of the men's dorm upon Conroy's graduation.  I remember replying that, though I didn't know Conroy well, he seemed to have good character and to be well-respected by the other students so I had no objections.

In the summer of 2004, Conroy was hired as RD at (now) Davis College, and the parallel lines of our lives converged irrevocably.

Retracing Our Steps

Two things prompted the decision to tell our story in detail.

1.  I've read other blogs recounting their own love story.  I've enjoyed the stories and have been blessed!

2.  The Thanksgiving study has challenged me to recount and record God's faithfulness.  I'm always so encouraged by this exercise, whether it's just a personal reminiscence or in a conversation with others, that I know it will be meaningful to me now.

Our story begins before we met.  I love to retrace what was happening in our lives at the same time, literally oceans apart.  I suppose I could start at birth, believing as I do that God had us in mind for each from before time began, but I will spare us all that lengthy of a retelling.

Winter of 1998-1999
My senior year of college.  No man in sight with whom to share my life and ministry calling.  My journal entries from this winter sigh and cry out to God for direction and sustainment.

 A December entry reads, "Today, Lord, when the loneliness crept in, I offered it to You as a sacrifice.... Allow me to whisper this plea -- Let these times not be for nothing. May I know the joy of a husband's love.  I ask that these moments of weeping be followed by joy in the morning..."

Uncertain of the future, yet desiring to be used of God, I began preparations to spend a year teaching English in China following my college graduation in May of 1999.

Meanwhile, across the sea, in Jamaica.....  A young man receives the clear, unmistakeable call of God on his life.  On January 17, 1999, Conroy asks his father if he can say a word in the Sunday morning service.  Standing tall in front of the waiting congregation, Conroy turns and glances meaningfully at his own pastor-father, declaring, "This morning, The Lord has called me to be a minister of the Gospel." Over the next year , he makes preparation to attend an American Bible college.

What If......?

So I was at the library recently, browsing titles while Jacie played in the children's room when I came across a book about The Only Child (I don't remember the exact title).  I picked it up, surfed the Table of Contents, and skimmed over chapters that caught my interest.  Of course, as a secular book, it was missing many of the Biblical reasons to have multiple children, but much of it was addressed to the parent(s) who did not plan to just have one child.  Some beliefs/"myths" (their term) were cited such as feeling that your child will miss out on the "big, happy family" scene -- lots of playmates, forever friends, "us-against-the-world," "loyal-to-the-end" siblings.  I found myself nodding in agreement --- this is certainly one of my great fears/sadnesses as I think about Jacie being an only child, even if it's just for a block of time.  The book tried to "correct" that notion, saying that some sibling are competitors, fighting more than friends.  It also alleged that only children are more confident, achieve more, and are happier in general.  The book warned that children pick up on parents' projections, so that if a parent believes that her only child is somehow "gypped" of siblings, the child will pick up on this perspective and feel bereft and robbed, too. However, according to the book, if the parents are content with only one child, the child will not have experience any sense of "missing out."

As stated before, I took much of the book's reasoning with a grain of salt since it was written from a secular psychologist's standpoint, but it did cause me to re-examine my own attitude.  Perspective is everything, they say.  Some people plan for and want only one child.  So they would view me as crazy to be upset or affected in any way by having only one child.  Our perspective is also influenced by the people around us. As a theologically conservative Christian, I have deliberately surrounded myself with friends, family, books, blogs, and other media from this same conservative Christian perspective.  Rightly so, the family emphasis of these sources celebrates children in unlimited numbers, encouraging adoption in addition to biological children.  So as I mentally backed up to analyze my perspective after perusing the library book, I wondered how much of my sorrow and disappointment is based on an expectation that has been shaped by the influences in my life.  Maybe the beautiful image of a successful Christian family = many kids, all happy, healthy, well-disciplined, and home-schooled should be replaced by the reality that God's definition of a successful Christian family differs for each one, according to His Divine Sovereignty.

This isn't the first time I've had to re-align my thinking from the Christian culture around me.  As a single woman in my 20's, I did not fit the "good Christian girl" expectation of getting married right out of Bible college.  I wanted to.  The expectation was just as much mine as it was the church's.  Bible reading, biography reading, and prayer brought me to the rightful conclusion that following God's unique plan for my life meant serving Him in whatever state He had me.

The connection I'm making between singleness and "single-childness" makes sense to me.  Not that I will not continue to pursue God's leading for more children -- either biologically or by adoption or both -- but that maybe it's okay to have only one child.  Obviously, this IS the state He has me in -- by design, not by accident. Doesn't belief in His sovereignty mean that we accept what He's given us, realizing He gives only good gifts? Sadly, I would be fearful to even voice this view to some well-meaning Christians.  I know that the rebuttal will be "But I know so-and-so who adopted"  or "have you tried this....?" Back in the day, childless couples just accepted their childless state and filled their lives with service.  I know several older couples like this -- missionaries, Christian school teachers, and church leaders. Lest any of this rambling be misconstrued, I am so pro large families and I am so pro-adoption!  But might I be so bent on fulfilling these goals/expectations that I miss God's plan for my family and me?  Am I putting words in His mouth when I assume that a lack of biological children necessitates adoption?

Mullings...  musings....  thoughts still in process....

Misery Loves Company

Provided to me as a complimentary digital copy by Tyndale, Misery Loves Company is the story of a grieving widow who writes a negative review about her favorite author, only to find herself kidnapped by him in a misguided attempt to "teach her a writing/life lesson."  The widow Jules lives a lonely, monotonous life since the murder of her police officer husband.  An aspiring author, Jules spends most of her time online blogging about her life and reviewing books. Her online habits make her an easy target for the famous author whose books have been losing their magic since the death of his own wife. Fortunately, the story also reveals another layer with the unsolved mystery surrounding Jules' husband's death.

At first, I had a really hard time getting into Misery Loves Company.  It seemed too trivial -- merely focusing on the writing habits of the famous author and the not-yet-famous aspiring author.  But about halfway through the book,  the suspense and action picked up enough to keep my interest.  Misery Loves Company kept my attention and proved entertaining; however, it did not deeply inspire nor deeply move.

Joni & Ken: An Untold Love Story

Provided to me as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze, Joni & Ken is the story of a marriage that has stood the test of time, paralysis, cancer, and chronic pain.  It is the story of two devoted Christ-followers who have counted it a privilege to suffer and through their sufferings to know Christ better.  The "untold" part of the story is Ken's perspective -- his emotional pain, depression, and renewed dedication to Joni.  For Joni fans, this book is long anticipated and eagerly received.  It lays bare the thready, snarly underside of a masterpiece of a marriage.  No marriage is perfect, and Joni & Ken are willing for the world to see that theirs has survived nearly insurmountable odds only by the grace of God.

As one who has devoured every one of Joni's books (some multiple times), I couldn't wait to read this latest revelation of Joni's life. I found Joni & Ken a bit more difficult to adjust to since this book is written in the third person, a change from Joni's previous works.  I understand the reason for it, especially since Ken's perspective is a key aspect of the book.  Larry Libby did a great job preserving Joni's writing personality and using her unique expressions as he wrote; however, the new approach did throw me a bit.  Otherwise, the book met all of my expectations.  Joni & Ken point to Christ in all their challenges and victories, spurring the reader on to a greater love and appreciation for our Savior!  What higher accolade could there be?

In Broken Places: A Book Review

Provided to me as a complimentary copy by Tyndale, In Broken Places is the narrative of Shelby, a 35-year-old adult survivor of child abuse.  Although it's a novel, In Broken Places reads like an autobiography (I still have a hard time convincing myself it isn't, so connected did I become to the main character). Perhaps that's because the author herself is a child abuse survivor.  Through an unusual turn-of-events, Shelby becomes the legal guardian of her 4-year-old half-sister.  The new parental role, a major job/location change, and an unexpected romance all combine to force Shelby to deal squarely with the unresolved heart issues left by her abusive father.

At first, the confusing back-and-forth between Shelby's adult life and her childhood flashbacks left me feeling like I had to run to catch up with a book that started out rocketing full speed ahead. But by the time I was about a third of the way through the book, I was completely hooked. The voice of Shelby in this book was so real, so witty, and so honest that I wanted her as my new best friend in the worst way!  I appreciate how the author handled the weighty subject of child abuse with grace, honesty, and even humor.  If you read this book (and I highly recommend it to any reader), you will be enlightened by its insight and completely beguiled by its central character.

Here We Go Again....

Worsening PCOS symptoms lead to more doctor's visits which leads to the inevitable decision:  Clomid or not?  I like to think that I gave the natural route a fair shake -- two years and two different nutritionists before Jacie was born, and now radical diet changes to work on getting my body back on the right track.  I still plan to be as natural as possible in my diet and way of life.  But the fact of the matter is that I will be 37 this year and if I'm to have a child biologically, the window of time is narrowing.
So we will see.
We will see what the ultrasound results and blood work show.
We will see how my body reacts to Clomid.
We will see if I can conceive another child.

If not, we'll pursue adoption.  The large $$$ amount involved in adoption and excessive red tape/paperwork are so very daunting to me.  But if God closes the door firmly on more biological children for us, I have to believe it is because He wants us to be involved in the rescue of orphans.

Trusting and waiting = The story of my life.  But it doesn't seem to get easier with each roadblock.

Each doctor's visit feels emotional, burdensome, weighty  -- as in a physical pressure pushing down on my shoulders, making each step come sluggishly.
The second-guessing, swirling mental questions come at every juncture. Which method/advice/ "doctor's orders" should I follow?  It's not cut and dried.  There's no neon sign.  There's no risk-free option.

So I lean heavily on Jesus.  I trust Him.   I cannot see the way.   But He can, and He's there already.

When Jesus Wept: book review

Fitting for this Easter weekend, I've just finished reading When Jesus Wept by Brock & Bodie Thoene, provided to me as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze.   I've always enjoyed the Thoene duo, especially since reading their early WWII books.  I haven't read anything by this pair in awhile, and the title caught my attention.  The story of Jesus' earthly ministry is told by Lazarus in this fictional account.  The Thoenes effectively weave in analogies of the the vine and the branches to the Christian life, casting Lazarus as a successful vineyard grower.

To be granted such an intimate, up close look at Jesus through the eyes of one of his closest earthly friends was very moving.  Love for Jesus leaped off the page as I experienced Him through Lazarus's character.  I so greatly admire the passionate skill of the Thoenes for portraying Jesus with the warmth and reverence they did.  While the book at times felt less like a novel and more like a retelling of Jesus' teachings, the sweet closeness the reader gets to experience with our Lord makes the book well worth the read.

Book Review: The Sky Beneath My Feet

The Sky Beneath My Feet by Lisa Samson was provided to me as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze.   When her pastor husband retreats to the backyard shed in a self-proclaimed vigil, Beth finds herself in a crisis of faith of her own.  In an effort to come to grips with her husband's odd move, Beth joins forces with a protest group, seeks advice from her best friend, and attempts to cope with the struggles of raising teen boys by herself.  These efforts and her brother's unexpected plea for help all combine to launch Beth on a journey of discovery -- a journey that leads to a unique mission of her own.

I must admit the first three-fourths of the book caused a fair amount of consternation and head-scratching on my part.  Lisa Samson tells a good story and certainly creates lifelike, believable characters that appeal to the reader.  The consternation I felt was at the seeming spiritual shallowness of the main characters.  Especially for a ministry couple, their lack of appreciation for the Christian faith was disturbing to me.  That Beth found more in common with a group of unsaved, even atheistic political protesters seemed odd to me.  Rather than depicting Beth's negativity toward church and all things Christian as a result of her crisis of faith, the book seemed to portray this kind of talk and behavior as a common occurrence, both with her husband in the past and with her church employee friend.  Thankfully, the book reached a positive conclusion with both Beth and her husband coming to a real understanding of God's calling for their lives. All in all, it was an entertaining read if the reader can hang on through the ride.

Out-of-the-box Grace!

I love the surprising, out-of-the-box kind of grace that characterizes our God!  Whenever this theme of Scripture pops up in my reading, as it did today, I have to stop and marvel once again.  God loves to break society's assumptions of who is the right type of person to be used by Him.  Think of Bathsheba (an adulteress), Ruth (a Gentile), Rahab (a prostitute), and Tamar (seduced her father-in-law), all of whom God chose to include in the line of His Son, the Messiah Jesus!

Luke 4:25-28 were the verses that jumped out to me today.  Jesus essentially says that His Grace is for outsiders!  Both Naaman the Syrian and the widow of Zarephath were Gentiles to whom God showed special favor during a time when Israel was under judgment.  When Jesus reminded His Jewish audience of these examples of God's grace, they "were filled with rage." Why? Because they thought only they were special enough to deserve God's favor!

Talk about grace that amazes, grace that defies the status quo! You can't put it in a box, like Israel wanted to do or like we sometimes want to do in the church today.  God's grace is given to the least likely, or even to those whom most would consider "foolish" (see 1 Cor. 1:27). I love it! How humbling yet, awe-inspiring -- that He would use even me!

Beyond Ordinary (book review)

Provided to me as a complimentary copy by Tyndale, Beyond Ordinary is the honest portrayal of a young marriage gone awry.  The starry-eyed couple soon finds love jaded in light of ministry, marriage, and parenting demands.  In their book, the husband and wife share each of their stories one by one, providing an up close and personal look at the slippery slope of a marriage crumbling from within.  The heart-wrenching transparency of a personal story gives this book a unique edge in a glutted marriage book market.

The authors contend that an ordinary marriage is one where conflict is unresolved and true intimacy is avoided.  Thus, their plea throughout the book is for marriages that are more than mediocre, that require extraordinary investment.  This slant is the book's recurring theme and is a valid perspective.  In a world where status quo marriages often result in divorce and/or extramarital affairs, couples must realize that a successful marriage takes work and investment.  The authors are to be commended in their willingness to share their story as a cautionary tale to others.

Desperate book review

Provided to me as a complimentary copy from Booksneeze, Desperate co-authored by Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson is an encouraging book for young moms.  Sarah and Sally are a dynamic duo pairing the perspectives of past experience and present day in-the-trenches mentality.  Undergirded by the principles of Scriptural grace, both women emphasize the importance of prioritizing relationship as opposed to rules throughout the child- rearing years.  Sally emphasizes the importance of cultivating a warm, nurturing home environment, while Sarah speaks out of her recent battles with depression to provide key helps and perspectives for young moms. Desperate is not a book of formulas or step by step strategies; instead it encourages young moms to embrace their own strengths and convictions and to parent with intentionality.

I found Desperate to be refreshing, a revitalizing oasis of grace-based parenting in the desert of formulaic, even legalistic parenting approaches.  This book helped to crystallize a mindset of parenting that is borne out of Christlike love and grace rather than a behavioral approach.  I will reference and recommend Desperate frequently, I have no doubt.

goals and epiphanies

Normally, I scorn New Year's resolutions.  I think that if change is needed, one ought to do it regardless of the date on the calendar.  Why change just because it's January 1st?  This year is different.  This year I feel change bubbling up inside of me. Maybe it's the books I've been reading lately.  Maybe it's the growing conviction that a life lived unintentionally is a wasted life.  I don't want my life to be wasted.  I want to live with purpose, with intention.

Another reason I tend to avoid New Year's resolutions is the inevitable disappointment of failure that usually follows.  Lofty goals lead to certain defeat, in my mind.  But this year, the concepts of grace and purposeful direction have turned into an epiphany of sorts.  It's not about the numbers on the scale, or the public behavior of my child, or meeting the expectations of others; it's about living and walking in the direction of the convictions God has laid on my heart through His Word. So to that end, I've made my aim 5 out of 7 days of success in each goal. 

I want to grow as a mom, as a wife, as a spiritual mentor, as an academic professional, as a child of God.  I want to live a life that matters.  I want to shepherd my daughter's heart to love God and to enjoy life.  I want to become more like Jesus. I want to love my husband better.  I want to be more healthy and to create an environment of health for my family.  These priorities govern my goals.  

So here's to 2013! May it be a year of forward motion, not necessarily a year of goal completion.

What "forward motion" have you seen in your life over the past year? What are your goals for the new year?