1. No Previous Long-term Dating Relationships.
Purely by God's grace overriding life's circumstances, neither one of us had had a long-term dating relationship prior to dating each other. As if, in a unique way, God had kept us or set us apart for one another. The huge benefits to our short list of past relationships meant that we had not practiced long-term commitments/break-ups with others that might have resulted in broken/scarred hearts. Our hearts are whole, scar-free, and wholly for one another. Mental comparisons or shared intimacies haven't marred the exclusivity of our marriage.
2. Purity at a Premium. Because of our Christian faith, both Conroy and I had determined from a young age that our bodies would be saved for our future spouse only. I believe God honored our individual vows made long before we knew one another. The unbounded joy we experience in one another in our marriage is, I am convinced, a blessed reward for honoring the sanctity of marriage throughout our single youth.
3. Reading, Researching, and Reviewing Godly Marriage. Throughout my teens and twenties, I read Christian counseling books on marriage and relationships. Growing up as a pastor's kid, I saw the good, bad, and the ugly when it came to Christian marriages. By my mid-to-late teens, I had a fairly good idea of what kind of marriage I wanted, and I had no illusions about a "fairy tale" marriage. I understood that it took hard work and I had a fair idea of what that work might look like, thanks to my extensive reading on marriage and real-life observations. Conroy, as well, sought out mentors and read extensively on the subject of marriage. This pre-pre-marital research helped us to lay the groundwork for a good marriage before we even met.
4. Making Friendship a Priority. Books I read in my late teens and early twenties shaped my thinking in this regard. The concept that a person's character is most accurately revealed apart from the dating experience really resonated with me. Observing the character of a potential mate in real life situations before the rose-tinted glasses of attraction/infatuation color his/her character is so crucial. For Conroy and me, this really came into play. Working together and co-existing on the same campus with overlapping circles of friends allowed us to know and observe each other's character long before we ever entered into a dating relationship. We even had the additional blessing of a closer, year-long friendship with each other devoid of the usual need to impress one another since we were each involved in brief dating relationships during that year. So when we did date, any pretense or "putting the best foot forward" was utterly pointless since we already knew one another pretty well. (Which is why I say in our love story blog posts that when I said "yes" to dating him, I pretty much knew I was saying "yes" to marrying him!) The friendship we built before we dated has been the bedrock of our marriage. We still enjoy each other's conversation and company as one of our favorite aspects of our relationship.
5. Knowing Who We Were Looking For. At the ripe old age of twelve, I remember drawing up a list of qualities I wanted in a life's mate. I knew at least by then, also, that I wanted to go into ministry, so I was looking for a guy with the same calling. Knowing who I was looking for helped to narrow my focus and preempt dating relationships with guys I knew right off the bat not to be the type of person I was looking for. During my mid-to-late twenties as I really struggled with my singleness, the recollection of my focus and calling pulled me back from flirtations and "dabblings" with guys for whom I was tempted to sacrifice my standards out of loneliness and desperation. In the end, I readily recognized Conroy as The One because he was the first and only to fulfill all of my criteria.
6. Focusing on Who God Wanted Me to Be. We've all probably heard the cliche about focusing more on being Mrs. Right than on finding Mr. Right. But deeper than a cliche is the understanding that God's purpose in all of life's circumstances is to confirm us into the image of His Son. When we align our goals to His, then we will seek to be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ first and foremost. Marriage isn't our ultimate goal; being like Jesus is. I'm thankful for the work of the Spirit in my life, the godly influence of wise mentors, and the quality resources found in good books that helped keep my focus on Jesus during those pre-marriage years.
7. Finding My All in God Alone. More and more I realize what a "severe mercy" those long years of singleness have been in my life. I have recalled and revisited the hard-won lessons learned during that time so often. Because I had to practice contentment and complete trust in God as my Husband then, I am better able to identify and resist the temptation to rest all of my expectations on my earthly husband now. I am used to seeing Jesus alone as my Source of joy instead of turning to a flawed, finite human being as the chief source of my happiness in life. I'm not perfect at this discipline, but my years of singleness have equipped me well.
Nothing is wasted -- not the years of singleness, not the hours scouring my dad's office for another riveting read as a teenager, not even the flawed failings of our flesh. God uses all these for His Glory and for our transformation. The older I get, the more life I live, the more I see that God always brings everything full circle, even the seemingly trivial details. He uses it. How grateful I am to be used of Him, a simple instrument in the Potter's hand.
