8 Lessons in 8 Years (Pt. 1)

Next week will be our 8th Wedding Anniversary.  We'll be skipping town for a long weekend away, so I thought I'd post an anniversary blog before "going dark" for a few days...

In 8 Years of Marriage, I've learned....

#1 -- Marriage is easier than I expected.  
Yes, you read that right.  So many articles, blog posts, and books talk about how difficult marriage is, and I'm not denying that it can be very difficult.  For us, it's just not, though.  I braced myself and expected difficulty -- lots of it -- partially because I'd read so many of those books prior to getting married and partially because as a PK (pastor's kid), I'd seen the painful realities of marriage for so many people.  Maybe Conroy and I are just really, really compatible or maybe it's because of all the reading we'd done beforehand (and during) and all the introspective conversations we've had (and still do have), but marriage is far more fun, fulfilling, and just easier than I'd anticipated.

#2 -- Marriage is not a cure-all.  
You know that song that asserts that once you're "going to the chapel, and we're gonna get married... you'll never be lonely again"?  It's a lie.  Marriage doesn't mean instant or constant intimacy.  It doesn't fulfill every ache, need, and desire.  Only Jesus meets our every need. I'd read and thought I understood this concept, too, before I got married. So I felt mentally prepared, but I guess I still expected to never be alone on a Friday night again, at least.  To always have "date nights." But many a Friday night, I've spent alone.  Or at least not on a date.  In my case, I chose ministry life and a ministry husband, so I don't resent that he's often gone. I'm proud of his calling and I love our life in ministry.  But marriage doesn't mean constant companionship. And some nights, I'm still lonely.

#3 -- I'm selfish and I'm impatient.  
Maybe the rest of you already knew that, but I thought I was a fairly patient and self-sacrificing person before I got married. God has used marriage like a mirror to accurately show me the depths of my heart.  I love me more than anything else.  Humbling to admit, but true.  Nothing makes me more angry than Conroy messing up my mental timeline/deadline -- whether it's communicated or not. Schedules and timetables are not his strong suit, and in eight years of marriage, I've come to believe that God gave him this particular foible as the Divine Sandpaper to persistently rub away at my sharp edges.  (God does that, you know.  He designs your partner's weakness to chip away at you, to sculpt you into His image.)  Knowing this truth doesn't always translate into loving, patient behavior on my part, sadly.  I'm still a work in much need of progress.

The constant reminder of my own sin does make it easier for me to forgive Conroy when he sins against me.  I often think, "How in the world can I hold [this or that] against him when I just responded so irritably a minute ago?  And he responded lovingly to me anyway?  I have no right get mad at him for [this other issue]!" Seeing myself as I really am is a surprising grace in our marriage.

Confession Time

Today has not been a good mama day.

I have been sharp when I should have just been firm.

I have been short when I should have been patient.

Sickness, irritation, and impatience won out over grace, love, and kindness.

I tried to make up for it, to sit down and play with my little girl after brushing her off too many times.

As I sat there and she pushed up against me yet again, crowding, jostling, elbowing -- I took a deep mental breath and vowed that I would not speak harshly to her for the next several minutes during our promised time together.

Within seconds I'd broken that promise.  Again.  And again.

Why?  Why is it that sheer grit and determination aren't enough to curb the errant tongue?  To master the deadly habit?  To rein in the stinging rebukes that fly too quickly?

for me at least the answer is to kill all self-righteousness.  

because I tend to think more highly of myself than I ought to.  I tend to feel a bit smug in my child-rearing ""skills," too confident in my general patience and calmness under most circumstances,  sure of my own strength and ability.

Until God gently reminds me that I am insufficient.  

                                                       I am in dire need of Him.  

                                  My sin is ugly and always with me, even when I am blind to it.  

Thank God that He opens my eyes to my sin so I can recognize my need.  

So I can fly to the mercy seat.  

So I can live intentionally in dependence of Him. 

The Tipping Point

In early July of 2005, my phone rang toward the end of the evening.  Conroy asked if I would meet him in the Student Development Office downstairs (my apartment and the Women's Dorm were on the top two stories of the college's academic building).  I agreed and came down to the office to find a student had stopped by to chat.  Quickly dismissing the student, Conroy closed the door after her and turned his attention to me.  In response to my questioning look, he calmly yet firmly stated that he needed to tell me that he was interested in me.

My mind reeled with a hundred thoughts.  Just that afternoon, I had spent time with the Lord in repentance for an empty flirtation I had allowed myself to become distracted by.  Conroy's statement of intentions coming so closely on the heels of my renewed commitment to honor The Lord in my singleness seemed incongruous.  I remember thinking that surely I needed time to "prove myself" to God again before He might "reward me" with a relationship.  Surely I must do some penance first! But how gracious our God is to forgive, and His gifts are not tied to our performance or "worthiness," thankfully!

Rapidly following this line of thinking came the inner question, "Am I interested back?"  Per the growing realizations discussed in previous posts, I knew I was interested enough not to immediately slam the door on Conroy's expression of interest.

These swirling thoughts resulted in a stammered response along the lines of  "I don't know.  I'm just not sure right now."  I don't remember how much else I expressed of what I was thinking.  I do remember a couple of Conroy's follow-up remarks, including wanting to get a chance to tell me how he felt before the next potential suitor came along (to which I almost laughed aloud -- for the vast majority of my twenties I had not had one suitor; this past year, my 28th year, had simply been a fluke).  Conroy also asked if me putting him off should be interpreted as "please pursue me."  Subltely and mind games between men and women had been a frequent topic of past conversations between us, so this question did not seem out of context to me.  In fact, it had the effect of reminding me just who is was I was talking to --- a dear friend with whom I could always be open and comfortable.  I laughed and shook my head in response, "No, I'm not playing games with you.  I just need some time to think about it.  Let's not change anything right now."

But words spoken cannot be unspoken, and so, though the comfort level never changed between us, a heightened awareness hung over our interactions over the next few weeks.

Out-of-the-box Grace!

I love the surprising, out-of-the-box kind of grace that characterizes our God!  Whenever this theme of Scripture pops up in my reading, as it did today, I have to stop and marvel once again.  God loves to break society's assumptions of who is the right type of person to be used by Him.  Think of Bathsheba (an adulteress), Ruth (a Gentile), Rahab (a prostitute), and Tamar (seduced her father-in-law), all of whom God chose to include in the line of His Son, the Messiah Jesus!

Luke 4:25-28 were the verses that jumped out to me today.  Jesus essentially says that His Grace is for outsiders!  Both Naaman the Syrian and the widow of Zarephath were Gentiles to whom God showed special favor during a time when Israel was under judgment.  When Jesus reminded His Jewish audience of these examples of God's grace, they "were filled with rage." Why? Because they thought only they were special enough to deserve God's favor!

Talk about grace that amazes, grace that defies the status quo! You can't put it in a box, like Israel wanted to do or like we sometimes want to do in the church today.  God's grace is given to the least likely, or even to those whom most would consider "foolish" (see 1 Cor. 1:27). I love it! How humbling yet, awe-inspiring -- that He would use even me!