Thankful for Disappointment

Tonight as I hit the "end call" button on my cell phone after a "goodnight" conversation with my husband away at a pastors' conference, I thought back to our dating phone calls.

In particular, I remembered one call when Conroy was away recruiting for the college during the year we dated.  I remember hanging up feeling disappointed. Disappointed that nothing "magical" had happened in that particular phone call. We talked, but he was a bit distracted or perhaps I was a bit needy.  Either way, my ego wasn't soothed. The in-love feelings weren't bubbling at the conversation's end.  Nothing bad happened -- no argument or disagreement -- I just felt flat afterwards, deflated somehow. I remember analyzing my feelings after the phone call last night and coming to these important and far-reaching realizations:

1. An emotional "high" is not the norm.  If my expectations for my (then future) husband included him stoking up burning romantic feelings every time we interacted, I was in for a lifetime of disappointment.  No single individual can keep us in the "in-love" state forever.  That's just not a realistic expectation.

2. Real love is steady. The fact that I usually did come away from our conversations elated, bubbly, and in love means that I'm blessed and we are blessed by a great love that's nearly always burning brightly.  But it doesn't mean that "flat" or "blah" times won't come.  The ebb and flow of emotions is reality.  High pitched, fevered excitement can't be maintained perpetually, but

true, committed love sustains us when the sparks don't fly.

3.  Phone calls are not my thing. I'm very glad that much of our dating took place face-to-face, We lived and worked on the same college campus, so we saw each other daily, even often throughout the day. These occasional road trips and resultant time apart requiring phone calls were rare and not the typical form of communication in our dating relationship.

So tonight as I hung up the phone after an "unspecial" phone call, I am thankful for the lesson of disappointment learned while dating.  My love for my husband does not burn hot or cold dependent on him stroking my ego or fanning the flames of romance all the time. And I've long since released him from the unhealthy expectation of having to intuitively fulfill my every desire (what an impossible burden that would be!). After nearly 10 years together, I know now with much more certainty than I did at the end of that long-ago phone call that the truth of our relationship does not hinge on butterflies after each conversation.

Advice to Dating Couples:  Date long enough so you experience some disappointment  -- whether it's with each other or with "love" itself.  Then reflect on the cause of the disappointment.  Is it a character issue in your partner or is it your own expectation that needs to be evaluated? Allow dating to be a time of learning, then apply those lessons learned to your marriage should you marry.

I'm still reaping the benefits of lessons learned while dating 10 years later!

THEN 

NOW

                  

How to Compliment Your Husband

True Confession:  Complimenting does not come naturally to me.  I'm a natural criticizer.  However, criticism does not win friends nor does it make for a good marriage.  And I love to be complimented, so.... over the years, I've put two and two together and have made a concerted effort to be more complimentary to others in general and to my husband in particular.  

Easier said than done.  

Though I appreciate my husband more than words can say, I often cannot find the words to praise him adequately. 

Having read enough marriage books, I know that the compliments that matter to a man are different from the ones that we as women want to hear.  In my determination to love my husband better this way (Words of Affirmation are indeed his top love language, too), I have been investigating the best way to compliment my husband.  Based on this research -- marriage books, personal observation, and experience -- I have discovered the following ways to compliment my husband: 

1.)  Be specific!  

Hearing "You're great!"  may be nice, but even I like to know why or what prompted the compliment. It means more for your husband to hear why you think he's great.  (And chances are he'll repeat the action you complimented him for once he knows that it's a hit with you!)

2.) Compliment a quality, not just the appearance or action.  

Follow up that "Thanks for taking out the garbage." with "You're always so helpful!" or "I love that I can count on you!"  Then watch your man light up like a candle when he feels appreciated as a person and not just for what he does.

3.) Compliment him on how he makes you feel.  

Men place great importance on their ability to make their wives feel secure, protected, and loved.  His masculinity and view of himself as a successful husband is directly connected to these abilities.  Your telling him that he makes you feel special or valued or safe assures him that he's doing his job well. And for a man, "doing his job" appeals more to him than hearing that the color of his shirt matches his eyes.

4.) Tell him that you're proud of him and that you respect him. 

The book Love & Respect promotes the idea that men are more moved and motivated by respect, while women need to feel loved.  Other marriage books have corroborated this assertion.  A compliment that communicates respect for your husband goes further with him than even an "I love you."  (I know this reads like Greek to the average woman, but trust me on this one.)

5.) Praise him publicly.

As opposed to ever, ever putting him down in public  -- a sad, but very commonly accepted practice in our society today and one that's so easy to get sucked into.  Instead, look for ways to praise him.  It takes more effort than the reverse practice because it's counter cultural, but make the effort! 

 I've seen this done in a syrupy, starry-eyed, still-in-the-honeymoon-phase fashion, and it leaves everyone slightly embarrassed or smiling indulgently.  But it doesn't have to be done that way.  Any prolonged conversation at a social gathering usually covers jobs, daily routines, parenting, or perhaps even how the various couples met.  All of these topics provide ample opportunity for you to build up your husband publicly.  

When talking about daily routine, mention how patient your husband is with your failed cooking attempts, projects he's successfully completed around the house, or how he helps out with the kids so you can get other things done.  

When talking about jobs, reinforce what a hard worker he is or how he's always helping others out. 

 My favorite opportunity to praise my husband publicly is when we get to talk about how we met.  I use this story as a way to promote the godly attributes that drew me to my husband in the first place. After one such retelling of our love story, the man across the restaurant table with whom we were conversing looked at Conroy and asserted, "I bet you love it when she tells that story!"  I wasn't sure whether he was being sarcastic or not, but I decided to take it as a compliment to both of us. Apparently the "public praise" was noticeable enough to elicit a response!  

And really, how would you rather be known?  As the wife who embarrasses herself, her husband, and everyone around them because she is known for criticizing her husband or the wife who thinks the world of her husband and is proud to say so?

Five Minute Friday: CLOSE

Close.  What qualifies as close?

Sharing intimate secrets with a sweet soul friend is close.  

Cuddling beneath a warm blanket, watching a movie with my husband is close.
                   
Feeling my three-year-old smashed up against me bumping my elbow as I work is close!

But in each of those moments, closeness is fleeting,  The next time we talk, my friend may fail to acknowledge my needs like she did in the previous conversation.  My husband may pause the movie to take a phone call and walk away, leaving me feeling bereft and neglected.  My three-year-old may be close in proximity, but is yet too young to minister to the needs of my heart.  Her closeness is all demand.

So to whom do I run when I desire more closeness than finite humans can possibly give?  I run to Jesus ~my soul's deepest Desire, my Friend.  And I remember:

"There is a friend Who sticks closer than a brother...."

Dangerous Disappointment

My spirit aches and my hand stretches out -- feebly, not too obviously (Heaven forbid, I seem needy!)  And then it happens:  the sting of rebuff, the gesture ignored, supplication met with silence.


Disappointment.   Dashed expectations.

Looking for comfort and finding none.  

My soul cries out, "Where do I go for comfort, for relief?"  And His Spirit answers, "To Me, Child. I'm always the Best Answer, the Greatest Comforter, the most Faithful Friend."

And I wonder when I will learn to seek Him first. When will I learn that He's always near to the broken-hearted, that He understands the sting of reproach and hurt?

I feel the ache and groan of living in a fallen world, wrestling with my sinful go-to responses to being sinned against.  I hate the sting; I hate the heart response of bitterness that wells up in my heart so quickly.  I fight against these sinful heart responses, at the same time feeling the futility of the fight, the relentlessness of the battle.  It will rear its ugly head again.  I will fight the same battle again, maybe in another hour, maybe the next day.  Self, wounded pride, and pity are not enemies that die easily or quickly.

But Who have I in Heaven, but You, O Lord?  Who else shall I turn to? You are my Faithful Friend, the Healer of my heart, and the only One Who takes my sin away.

Be near to me now.

Wrapping Up ...(our love story series)

Time flew from Christmas break to our June wedding in 2006. Premarital counseling provided more fun opportunities for the in-depth, analytical conversations we so enjoyed. We would do our homework together on Sunday nights in the little Wegmans cafe.  Our bemused counselor commented at one point, "So you two just have everything figured out, huh?"  We certainly weren't the typical naive young couple; however, in retrospect, perhaps we did come across a little too sure of ourselves!

Conroy moved into our Cedar Street apartment a month before the wedding, and we had such fun setting it up.  Relatives flew in from Jamaica, and family and friends in the States gathered on that sunny June day. Nothing could mar our happiness and joy -- not the torrential downpour that came on the Friday night of our rehearsal, not the chaos that came with situating so many out-of-town wedding guests, not the rip in my bridal veil that Saturday morning. I remember with great clarity my mother coming into the room where I was getting ready to tell me that the veil had ripped.  With some hesitation, and apparently expecting an emotional response from me, she delivered the news as if it were a great catastrophe.  I remember looking at her in surprise.  Who cares if my wedding veil is torn? I thought. I'm getting married to the love of my life today!  A euphoric haze encased me as securely as bubble wrap.  Nothing could bother me on that day. (Incidentally, my resourceful mother managed to fix the wedding veil and all went well.)

We enjoyed a blissful honeymoon in Cancun, Mexico while Binghamton, NY endured one its worst floods in decades.  Upon our return, we settled back into the routine of life as grad students and full-time employees in the Davis admissions office.  Really, our love story is still ongoing (the point of this blog).  God is teaching us so much, leading us along paths we would never have dreamt on that sunny June wedding day.  Through it all, the blessing of our love and the faithfulness of God's love has kept us.

Ten-Year Plan

Not long into our dating relationship, Conroy and I began discussing marriage.  For reasons discussed in my previous post, we were fairly certain of the direction of our dating relationship.  My feelings that I had questioned so much over the summer of 2005 were blossoming at a rate that almost scared me.  I had never given my heart away before, had never allowed myself to fall in love completely.  I had always been a very guarded person in that way and had purposely never even allowed myself to say the words "I love you" to any man before, believing as I did (and do) that love is more than a feeling -- it is a commitment.

Though our feelings were strong and our confidence in one another certain, Conroy had long- term goals that he wanted to fulfill prior to marriage. He planned to finish his masters degree (in progress at this time), then go on to complete his Ph.D.  His estimate of completion of this plan was somewhere around 10 years.  When he first mentioned this to me, I laughed, not taking him seriously.    I was 29 years old.  I was not planning to wait 10 years to get married.  In addition, I strongly felt that dating for 10 years would be very unhealthy for us.  My response once I recognized his seriousness was "If you wait 10 years to get married, it won't be to me."

The other more practical obstacle to getting married sooner was Conroy's job situation.  He had come to the U.S. on a student visa and switched to a religious workers visa when the college hired him on as resident Director of the men's dorm.  The resident director position was not a paying position for either of us.  We lived in the dorms and provided supervision in exchange for free rent and free meals in the college cafeteria.  I had another full time job in addition to the begin RD, but Conroy's visa limited his work options.  Essentially, he had to stay only under the employ of the college to stay within the guidelines of his visa.  We weren't sure how probable it would be that a full time job would open up for Conroy given the small size of the college.

Only the first obstacle was under our control anyway, and after doing as much talking as I could to change Conroy's mind, I resolved to leave the entire situation in the Lord's hands.  I certainly didn't want to have to convince or talk Conroy into marrying me!  The Lord had been faithful in every aspect of our relationship up to this point, and I knew I could trust Him to lead us right at this crossroads as well.

It's Official!

On August 6, 2005, two days after that fateful birthday outing, we officially started dating.  On that night, in the little office which Conroy and I used alternately after hours to complete online grad school work, the discussion inevitably turned to our status as a couple. Much debate and conversation had already been expended regarding the effect our relationship would have on the student body.  Being in a highly visible position on a small campus had its drawbacks with regard to us dating.  The last thing I wanted was to go through a big, emotional break up in front of a campus full of students and faculty! In addition, we would still have to work together.  Even being "on display" throughout the dating process was enough to give me second thoughts!  But underneath these discussions ran the barely acknowledged certainty that this relationship would not end. So certain was I of Conroy's character and calling that I remember thinking if I date him, we will probably get married.

For most people, the dating stage is used as the time to get to know each other.  It has its awkward moments, its attempts to impress and "put one's best foot forward," its fights and quarrels in an effort to learn to communicate with one another.  For us, our friendship allowed us to surpass most of these things.  I am so grateful to God for this!  Once we entered the dating stage, it would have been hard to honestly get to know each other without the cloud of physical attraction and other pressures distracting us.  Because we had already spent a lot of time communicating and getting to know each other minus the rose-colored glasses, we had a fair idea of what we were getting into.  In addition, we already knew that each had the certain qualities and qualifications that the other was looking for in a spouse.  Each of us had felt the call of God individually on our lives for full-time ministry so we knew that we were looking for spouses with ministry callings, as well.  I say all this to explain that it wasn't blind love (or lust) that caused me to be so certain that I would marry Conroy from the outset of our dating relationship; it was a certainty built on the sure knowledge of his character and on the strong foundation of our friendship.

The day after we started dating, Conroy had dinner with my parents and me since they had already made plans to come to Binghamton to take me out for my birthday. Once again, it didn't seem weird or odd that he was meeting my parents so soon in our brand new relationship.  My parents were simply getting to know my good friend, now boyfriend, quickly on his way to becoming the love of my life.

The Start of Something Big

Before I left for California, Conroy asked if I had plans for my birthday.  That year my birthday fell in the middle of the work week, so I had no plans on that day, though my parents were planning to make the hour and a half drive to take me out on the weekend.  Conroy warned me not to make any other plans, but that he wanted to take me out after work on my birthday.  He told me to think about where I saw myself in 5-10 years and what my life goals were.  He surely knew the way to my heart! I was looking forward to an evening of great conversation, excited at the thought of sharing goals and dreams with someone as interested and interesting as Conroy.  I knew his thoughtful, probing questions and insightful comments would make for meaty, "level five" communication that I so valued.

My brother's wedding took place less than a week before my birthday.  So when Conroy came to pick me up from the airport, my birthday was only a few days away.  No great ephiphanies or melodramatic movie airport reunion scenes occurred. In fact, our reunion left me a bit nonplussed. Had I been over romanticizing our connection? Should I just tell Conroy right now that it's never going to happen, that my feelings weren't what his were?  Once again, I uttered the prayer I'd been praying for the past month, " God, please flip the switch if this relationship is meant to be! This guy is everything I have always wanted and more, but I need to feel more than just friendship for him in order to take the next step."

The day of my birthday arrived.  Conroy took me to a local park, surprising me by planning a picnic dinner.  He put the chicken on the grill to cook and I settled on the picnic table bench, chatting as he lit the coal. Deep in conversation as the evening wore on, we scarcely noticed that the chicken wasn't cooking until, as darkness descended, a park ranger came to tell us the park was closing.  We took our undercooked chicken, packed our uneaten picnic dinner, and left for Denny's.  Over our belated supper, at one point in the conversation, Conroy leaned toward me and said intently, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." I don't remember my verbal response, but I remember that moment with a spellbound clarity.  And, in my heart, deep down, I knew for certain, too, that this was the man with whom I wanted to be in a life long conversation.

Later that already late evening (probably more like 1 or 2 AM), we paused on the stone bench outside of the restaurant, almost unconsciously resisting the inevitable ending to our evening.   Of those last few minutes of conversation, I remember little except that, watching Conroy as he talked, all I wanted was for him to kiss me.  And, in that moment, I knew --- the switch had flipped.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

July of 2005 brought a wedding (not mine) -- my brother married his California bride in San Jose. My family made plans to fly out and spend an extra week after the wedding as family vacation time, sightseeing and touring the Bay area.  I said goodbye to Conroy, making arrangements with him to pick me up from the airport upon my return.  I still wasn't sure how I felt about him.  I felt no closer to any concrete decision about moving forward in a relationship with Conroy than I had on the day he told me of his feelings.

"He's just a friend,"  I assured my inquisitive aunt one night in our hotel room upon ending yet another two-hour conversation with Conroy.  "Hmmm, "  she murmured cryptically.  "You don't spend two hours on the phone every night with 'just a friend.'" This statement stuck like a burr in my mind.  And so did Conroy.  Being away, not seeing him every day as I was used to doing since we worked together and lived on the same campus --- I realized how inextricably my life had become woven with his.  He was my best friend already. I wanted to share every part of my day with him (thus the long phone conversations).  But was this enough?

The words of a good friend of mine echoed in my head:  "Conroy is one of the godliest guys I've ever met!  I don't know if I've ever been around someone so passionate about God!"  Her words had nudged me a bit out of my complacency.  If I didn't make a decision soon, perhaps some other wonderful, more deserving girl (like my friend) would snatch him up! Her statement also prompted the memory of my list of qualities in an ideal guy written as a teenager --  passion for God and passion for people topped the list.  Anyone who knew Conroy at all knew that he exuded those qualities.  What else could I possibly want or ask for?  A tiny thrill of fear/excitement shivered through me.  Could he actually be the one God had for me?  What if I made the wrong decision and let this amazing man slip away?

I enjoyed the time away, relishing time with family and friends, rejoicing with my brother in his happiness. The unintended result of this time apart for Conroy and me proved to be helpful in giving me the clarity I was looking for.  At least, I began to see myself as leaning more toward saying "yes" than not.

The Tipping Point

In early July of 2005, my phone rang toward the end of the evening.  Conroy asked if I would meet him in the Student Development Office downstairs (my apartment and the Women's Dorm were on the top two stories of the college's academic building).  I agreed and came down to the office to find a student had stopped by to chat.  Quickly dismissing the student, Conroy closed the door after her and turned his attention to me.  In response to my questioning look, he calmly yet firmly stated that he needed to tell me that he was interested in me.

My mind reeled with a hundred thoughts.  Just that afternoon, I had spent time with the Lord in repentance for an empty flirtation I had allowed myself to become distracted by.  Conroy's statement of intentions coming so closely on the heels of my renewed commitment to honor The Lord in my singleness seemed incongruous.  I remember thinking that surely I needed time to "prove myself" to God again before He might "reward me" with a relationship.  Surely I must do some penance first! But how gracious our God is to forgive, and His gifts are not tied to our performance or "worthiness," thankfully!

Rapidly following this line of thinking came the inner question, "Am I interested back?"  Per the growing realizations discussed in previous posts, I knew I was interested enough not to immediately slam the door on Conroy's expression of interest.

These swirling thoughts resulted in a stammered response along the lines of  "I don't know.  I'm just not sure right now."  I don't remember how much else I expressed of what I was thinking.  I do remember a couple of Conroy's follow-up remarks, including wanting to get a chance to tell me how he felt before the next potential suitor came along (to which I almost laughed aloud -- for the vast majority of my twenties I had not had one suitor; this past year, my 28th year, had simply been a fluke).  Conroy also asked if me putting him off should be interpreted as "please pursue me."  Subltely and mind games between men and women had been a frequent topic of past conversations between us, so this question did not seem out of context to me.  In fact, it had the effect of reminding me just who is was I was talking to --- a dear friend with whom I could always be open and comfortable.  I laughed and shook my head in response, "No, I'm not playing games with you.  I just need some time to think about it.  Let's not change anything right now."

But words spoken cannot be unspoken, and so, though the comfort level never changed between us, a heightened awareness hung over our interactions over the next few weeks.

The Evolution of a Friendship

October 2004 - June 2005 proved to be a difficult time for me emotionally.  I was 28 and still single, struggling as never before with this reality.  A couple of prospects appeared on the scene, but both were obviously wrong for me.  Conroy moved on (apparently reading my non-verbal signals quite accurately) and began dating someone else during that time as well.  Throughout the year, we maintained our friendship, continuing to run together, brainstorming and collaborating on ideas for our respective dorms and the college students in our charge.

In May of 2005, a couple of key conversations pushed open the door in my mind allowing me to see Conroy in a new light.  The first conversation took place over an impromptu Chinese dinner at a local hole-in-the-wall diner.  I was vacillating over ending a relationship with the latest guy, discussing with Conroy my concerns (his own dating relationship had ended by this time, as well).  He wisely and succinctly cut through my rationalizations and pointed out a very real concern. Worded carefully, yet so full of truth, the clarity of his statement stopped me in my tracks.  As I nodded my head in concession to Conroy's point, I could hear the proverbial nail hammering the coffin shut on any potential relationship with the guy we were discussing. At the same time, I found myself respecting Conroy's wisdom and becoming more aware of the influence his opinion had on me.

Another incident where I turned to Conroy for wisdom and direction occurred over a sticky situation in the women's dorm where I was partially at fault.  Once again, his clear, direct advice hit home, and I resolved the issue as he advised, recognizing the wisdom of his words.

 For me, these incidents were important turning points in my realization that Conroy was someone I could respect and follow.  Like most women, I wanted a strong leader as a life mate. I knew I would find it hard to follow someone whose opinion I did not respect.  It was rare for me to seek advice of any male outside of my own family.  So the very fact that I found myself turning to Conroy for guidance was especially significant to me.  My relationship with Conroy had moved from one of him seeking me out for advice (as a new RD), to a peer working relationship, to friendship, and now to viewing him as a spiritual leader.

Just Friends

Conroy sought me out that summer of 2004 to get my "advice" and take on being a dorm parent.  He asked if we could go for coffee at Barnes and Noble so he could "pick my brain" about being RD (resident director).  Though I'm sure he genuinely desired to do well at his new job, in later years he confided that he was also looking for a way to get to know me.... Seeing that we were the only two RDs on a campus with only one women's residential hall and one men's residential hall, it was inevitable that we would need to work together.  I did not question his motive for the Barnes and Noble date/meeting, having no designs of my own on him at that time.

We both remember that conversation at Barnes and Noble with fond clarity.  The easy conversation over coffee and carrot cake quickly departed from any prepared questions of Conroy's.  Being a normally reserved person who felt that it took me awhile to warm up to people, I was pleasantly surprised at the immediate comfort level I felt with Conroy.

That initial meeting led to many more "work-related" get-togethers and conversations.  I say "work-related" because they always started out that way, then usually sidetracked into more personal, friendly conversation.  Conroy found out that I liked to run, so we often drove to a park or local track to run together and chat.  I still did not feel anything other than a friendly connection with Conroy and sometimes worried that I should not encourage these long talks lest I give him the wrong impression. We talked a lot about relationships and what we were looking for in potential spouses.  While these conversations really worried me that he may be hinting at something, I also convinced myself that since Conroy is such a friendly, personable guy, he probably talked this way with everyone.

Parenthetical note:  My hesitancy regarding Conroy at this point had more to do with our age difference than anything else.  I simply did not view him in the light of a potential boyfriend/husband.     He was (and is!) a great guy --- fun to be around and easy to talk to.  I saw him as a good friend whose company I valued greatly, but that was the extent of my feelings for him in the fall of 2004.