goals and epiphanies

Normally, I scorn New Year's resolutions.  I think that if change is needed, one ought to do it regardless of the date on the calendar.  Why change just because it's January 1st?  This year is different.  This year I feel change bubbling up inside of me. Maybe it's the books I've been reading lately.  Maybe it's the growing conviction that a life lived unintentionally is a wasted life.  I don't want my life to be wasted.  I want to live with purpose, with intention.

Another reason I tend to avoid New Year's resolutions is the inevitable disappointment of failure that usually follows.  Lofty goals lead to certain defeat, in my mind.  But this year, the concepts of grace and purposeful direction have turned into an epiphany of sorts.  It's not about the numbers on the scale, or the public behavior of my child, or meeting the expectations of others; it's about living and walking in the direction of the convictions God has laid on my heart through His Word. So to that end, I've made my aim 5 out of 7 days of success in each goal. 

I want to grow as a mom, as a wife, as a spiritual mentor, as an academic professional, as a child of God.  I want to live a life that matters.  I want to shepherd my daughter's heart to love God and to enjoy life.  I want to become more like Jesus. I want to love my husband better.  I want to be more healthy and to create an environment of health for my family.  These priorities govern my goals.  

So here's to 2013! May it be a year of forward motion, not necessarily a year of goal completion.

What "forward motion" have you seen in your life over the past year? What are your goals for the new year?

The Scarlet Cord

Provided to me as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze, The Scarlet Cord by Joan Wolf fleshes out the life of Rahab, the Old Testament heroine who saved the spies in Jericho and whose life was spared in return.  Ms. Wolf depicts Rahab as a young, innocent beauty who is mistakenly assumed to be a harlot by the Israelites since she is a Canaanite.  Rahab and Sala (the Hebrew man, Salmon) fall in love, but are thwarted by their differing backgrounds and resulting family resistance.  Due to Rahab's role in saving the spies, she wins Sala's father's grudging acceptance, and her family, too, comes around when it becomes obvious that Yahweh is the one true God as Jericho's walls fall.

I appreciate Biblical historical fiction because it allows me to imagine what the men and women of the Bible we're thinking  and feeling as the drama of major Biblical events plays out.  Usually these types of fictional works motivate me to reread the Scripture passage with a greater awareness.  Unfortunately, author Joan Wolf's interpretation of Rahab fell so far off the mark of the Bible narrative that I didn't even bother to revisit the Biblical account.   The Bible clearly states that Rahab was a harlot, not once but several times. This is one of the beautiful examples in Scripture of God redeeming people who are unworthy.  It is a story of forgiveness and redemption, of saving to the uttermost.  Wolf's depiction of Rahab as a virginal young girl not only misses a key point of the Biblical account but also seems to call into question the veracity of the Scriptural description of Rahab.  For this reason, though the story was well written and an interesting read, I can not in good conscience recommend The Scarlet Cord. 

Jacie Milestones

Changes happen so quickly.  The cooing baby become the babbling toddler; then the babbling toddler becomes the semi-articulate little girl.  At 2 1/2 years old, Jacie seems to be in the latter stage mentioned.  Lately, every sentence out of her mouth, every conversation has amazed me.  So this entry is my attempt to record some of her recent statements and developments.

One of my favorite recent revelations occurred as we pulled into the garage and I turned off the car, shutting off her Bible songs CD in mid-verse:  "Believe in the....."  From the backseat, Jacie's baby voice chimes in, finishing the verse, "...Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved."  Word for word, just like that!  I'm astounded and humbled by the great responsibility of keeping her little mind alive with God's Word.

Jacie has picked up on adult conversation quite well.  She politely asks our international student at dinner time, "So, Yunah, how was school?"  She loves to use her manners, unfailingly exclaiming, "Bless you, Mommy!"  whenever I sneeze.  When I reply with a slightly startled, "Thank you, Jacie,"  she cheerfully chimes back, "You're welcome, Mommy!"  This little vignette plays out as many times in a row as I happen to sneeze.  

Pronunciation at this age is adorable, too.  "Please" comes out "Queeeeze" most of the time, "Joseph" is "Jophus,"  "Mickey Mouse" is "Gickey Mouse," and this morning "More sausage, please" came out "More os-tich, queeeze!"

One of the most recent heart-warming moments happened yesterday when I went in her bedroom to get her up from her nap.  Upon my entrance into the room, Jacie exclaimed, "I'm so happy to see you, Mommy!"

Jacie loves to joke and laugh.  Her sense of humor is corny and contagious.  She interjects "Are you kidding me?" into dinnertime conversation whenever she wants us laugh with her.  She points to items and asks an absurd question like "Is that Dora?"  Then crinkles up her nose and crows with laughter, saying, "Noooo, that's not Dora!"

Naptime lately means at least an hour of laughing, jumping, singing every song she knows, reciting every phrase from her favorite show ("O Toodles"  from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and "We did it; we did it!"  from Dora) until she sometimes tires herself out enough to fall asleep.  I don't care; I'm not giving up on naptime.  I need that time for me!  

Ministry Moments

To be honest, Thursday nights are not usually my favorite night of the week.  Maybe it's the rush to put dinner on the table, then leave the mess behind to rush out the door to teach ESL at 6:30 (the students so make this ministry a joy!).  Maybe it's coming home to the dinner mess still there, only now with a living room full of young adults poring over their Bibles under Conroy's enthusiastic leadership.  Maybe it's the inevitable late night followed by an early morning in the classroom.  Don't get me wrong; there's nothing I'd rather be doing than serving with my husband, teaching, and opening our home for Kingdom purposes.  And typically the initial inward groaning of this introvert-at-heart gives way to whole-hearted interaction.  It just takes me a moment.

But tonight... Tonight I felt it.  I felt the soul-deep satisfaction of doing what we are put on this earth to do.  I felt the bit of heaven on earth that ministry can sometimes be --- the moment when you feel that all you're doing is really making a difference, and you actually see and feel that difference.  The moment when eternal impact is felt.

Tonight I saw it.  I saw it in the bright, upturned face of one who is seeing the purpose in her heartache. I saw it in the dawning of realization in the eyes of a young believer when he heard "there's no longer condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus" for the first time.

Tonight I heard it.  As I put away the dishes in the kitchen, the buzz of God-focused conversation sounded to me like the hallelujah chorus from Handel's Messiah.  I heard the rustle of the angels of heaven bending close to look into the things of grace they don't understand.

Tonight was a moment framed in gold, imprinted on my mind and heart, tucked away for pondering.  This is it.  This is why I do what I do, why I am what I am, why I married whom I married.  Our lives are all about God's Word and God's people, but the daily ordinary often feels less than significant. But tonight the ministry moment was tangible, the joy of it transcendent.

Colossians and Cravings

Two recent shaping forces in my inner life of late --- an online study of Colossians and a personal read of Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  The Colossians blog renewed my desire for writing/ blogging and for studying God's Word (nothing better than combining the two!).  Not sure what direction that renewed desire will take but this post is one step to get back into blogging.  Perhaps reinventing my blog approach is in order as well. As far as group study goes, I'm looking forward to doing the Good Morning Girls Advent study with a small group of ladies from my church.  So excited!

Made to Crave struck a nerve that the skeptic in me had tried to downplay.  This book slapped the "I've heard it all before" attitude right out of me and brought me to my knees in humility.  Two convicting concepts from the book:
1. "To him who knows what is right and doesn't do it, it is sin." No amount of chalking my failures up to lack of discipline or lack of strength can sugarcoat the reality that I am choosing to sin since I know how I should be eating. I've read extensively on the subject and understand the dangers of unhealthy eating.  Not liking to cook = choosing to be lazy instead doing what I know is right.  Consuming that sugary treat  = sin if its not in my calorie count/ budgeted eating.  Hard stuff, but it's truth smacking me upside the head.
2.   My struggles are my reality.  God chose to place this particular struggle in my life, knowing I'd either be self- indulgent or unsympathetic to others' struggles if I didn't have to work hard at maintaining a healthy lifestyle.  Just as it's wrong for me to look at other women with envy who don't struggle with infertility, it's wrong for me to be jealous of those who don't struggle with weight issues.  God's plan for my life is just that -- His plan for me -- unique, individualized, and shaped to produce the exact work He wants done in my life, a work that could be completed in no other way, through no other means. So food/weight issues are His gift to me? Sure, in the same way that my infertility is and my singleness was God's gift, specially and specifically crafted to transform me into the image of His Son.

So here am I am, struggles and all, stripped of excuses.  The question remains, what will I do with the truth I've been given?

Isle of Shadows: book review

Provided as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze, Isle of Shadows proved to be everything it promised.  Set in the turbulent and obscure times of the "silent" period (between the Old and New Testaments), Isle of Shadows described the sad but riveting life of Tessa, a high-class prostitute to a key political figure on a Greek island.  Despite Tessa's best attempts to seal off her heart, an elderly Jewish servant wins her trust and demonstrates Yahweh's love to her during her time of deepest need. The love of the One True God and of a young man of character eventually win Tessa over and help her to face the formidable forces seeking to destroy her.

Tracy Higley is becoming a real favorite of mine.  Her writing is polished and nuanced, feeding the reader meaty Scriptural truths while capturing attention through rich detail and characterization.  Tessa's internal transformation speaks to any reader who is struggling with guilt over the past and is looking for a fresh start and the healing power of forgiveness.  I especially liked the surprise Biblical historical character link to the Messiah revealed at the end of the book! Higley hits another home run in Isle of Shadows, for sure!

The Scent of Rain

The Scent of Rain by Kristin Billerbeck promised to be a light, fun read.  I chose this complimentary copy from Booksneeze just for that purpose.  The plot revolves around a young perfumeologist who loses her sense of smell just after being left at the altar by her groom-to-be.  After giving up her job in Paris for her would-be husband, she found herself stuck in Ohio working for a cleaning supply company.  The book traces her efforts to recover from her failed romance (by finding a new one, of course), to cover up her loss of smell, and to reestablish herself as a confident, independent woman without fiancé or parents to fall back on.

I had hoped for a light, witty read.  What I found were characters so one-dimensional they seemed cartoonish, dialogue and prose desperately stretched to make the scent of rain metaphor work, and turns of events so swift and unprecedented that my head spun trying to keep up.  A case in point was the office temptress painted as selfish and seductive who in one logic- defying scene suddenly turns out to be misunderstood, and in fact, quite selfless.  The final scene between the perfumeologist and her new man plays out exactly as it had occurred in a dream she had experienced earlier in the book though no particular relevance was given to any of the details including a clown's involvement.  Sometimes light reads are a fun diversion from meatier, more intricate plot lines.  Unfortunately, The Scent of Rain produced more groans than laughs.