Here We Go Again....

Worsening PCOS symptoms lead to more doctor's visits which leads to the inevitable decision:  Clomid or not?  I like to think that I gave the natural route a fair shake -- two years and two different nutritionists before Jacie was born, and now radical diet changes to work on getting my body back on the right track.  I still plan to be as natural as possible in my diet and way of life.  But the fact of the matter is that I will be 37 this year and if I'm to have a child biologically, the window of time is narrowing.
So we will see.
We will see what the ultrasound results and blood work show.
We will see how my body reacts to Clomid.
We will see if I can conceive another child.

If not, we'll pursue adoption.  The large $$$ amount involved in adoption and excessive red tape/paperwork are so very daunting to me.  But if God closes the door firmly on more biological children for us, I have to believe it is because He wants us to be involved in the rescue of orphans.

Trusting and waiting = The story of my life.  But it doesn't seem to get easier with each roadblock.

Each doctor's visit feels emotional, burdensome, weighty  -- as in a physical pressure pushing down on my shoulders, making each step come sluggishly.
The second-guessing, swirling mental questions come at every juncture. Which method/advice/ "doctor's orders" should I follow?  It's not cut and dried.  There's no neon sign.  There's no risk-free option.

So I lean heavily on Jesus.  I trust Him.   I cannot see the way.   But He can, and He's there already.

When Jesus Wept: book review

Fitting for this Easter weekend, I've just finished reading When Jesus Wept by Brock & Bodie Thoene, provided to me as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze.   I've always enjoyed the Thoene duo, especially since reading their early WWII books.  I haven't read anything by this pair in awhile, and the title caught my attention.  The story of Jesus' earthly ministry is told by Lazarus in this fictional account.  The Thoenes effectively weave in analogies of the the vine and the branches to the Christian life, casting Lazarus as a successful vineyard grower.

To be granted such an intimate, up close look at Jesus through the eyes of one of his closest earthly friends was very moving.  Love for Jesus leaped off the page as I experienced Him through Lazarus's character.  I so greatly admire the passionate skill of the Thoenes for portraying Jesus with the warmth and reverence they did.  While the book at times felt less like a novel and more like a retelling of Jesus' teachings, the sweet closeness the reader gets to experience with our Lord makes the book well worth the read.

Book Review: The Sky Beneath My Feet

The Sky Beneath My Feet by Lisa Samson was provided to me as a complimentary copy by Booksneeze.   When her pastor husband retreats to the backyard shed in a self-proclaimed vigil, Beth finds herself in a crisis of faith of her own.  In an effort to come to grips with her husband's odd move, Beth joins forces with a protest group, seeks advice from her best friend, and attempts to cope with the struggles of raising teen boys by herself.  These efforts and her brother's unexpected plea for help all combine to launch Beth on a journey of discovery -- a journey that leads to a unique mission of her own.

I must admit the first three-fourths of the book caused a fair amount of consternation and head-scratching on my part.  Lisa Samson tells a good story and certainly creates lifelike, believable characters that appeal to the reader.  The consternation I felt was at the seeming spiritual shallowness of the main characters.  Especially for a ministry couple, their lack of appreciation for the Christian faith was disturbing to me.  That Beth found more in common with a group of unsaved, even atheistic political protesters seemed odd to me.  Rather than depicting Beth's negativity toward church and all things Christian as a result of her crisis of faith, the book seemed to portray this kind of talk and behavior as a common occurrence, both with her husband in the past and with her church employee friend.  Thankfully, the book reached a positive conclusion with both Beth and her husband coming to a real understanding of God's calling for their lives. All in all, it was an entertaining read if the reader can hang on through the ride.

Out-of-the-box Grace!

I love the surprising, out-of-the-box kind of grace that characterizes our God!  Whenever this theme of Scripture pops up in my reading, as it did today, I have to stop and marvel once again.  God loves to break society's assumptions of who is the right type of person to be used by Him.  Think of Bathsheba (an adulteress), Ruth (a Gentile), Rahab (a prostitute), and Tamar (seduced her father-in-law), all of whom God chose to include in the line of His Son, the Messiah Jesus!

Luke 4:25-28 were the verses that jumped out to me today.  Jesus essentially says that His Grace is for outsiders!  Both Naaman the Syrian and the widow of Zarephath were Gentiles to whom God showed special favor during a time when Israel was under judgment.  When Jesus reminded His Jewish audience of these examples of God's grace, they "were filled with rage." Why? Because they thought only they were special enough to deserve God's favor!

Talk about grace that amazes, grace that defies the status quo! You can't put it in a box, like Israel wanted to do or like we sometimes want to do in the church today.  God's grace is given to the least likely, or even to those whom most would consider "foolish" (see 1 Cor. 1:27). I love it! How humbling yet, awe-inspiring -- that He would use even me!

Beyond Ordinary (book review)

Provided to me as a complimentary copy by Tyndale, Beyond Ordinary is the honest portrayal of a young marriage gone awry.  The starry-eyed couple soon finds love jaded in light of ministry, marriage, and parenting demands.  In their book, the husband and wife share each of their stories one by one, providing an up close and personal look at the slippery slope of a marriage crumbling from within.  The heart-wrenching transparency of a personal story gives this book a unique edge in a glutted marriage book market.

The authors contend that an ordinary marriage is one where conflict is unresolved and true intimacy is avoided.  Thus, their plea throughout the book is for marriages that are more than mediocre, that require extraordinary investment.  This slant is the book's recurring theme and is a valid perspective.  In a world where status quo marriages often result in divorce and/or extramarital affairs, couples must realize that a successful marriage takes work and investment.  The authors are to be commended in their willingness to share their story as a cautionary tale to others.

Desperate book review

Provided to me as a complimentary copy from Booksneeze, Desperate co-authored by Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson is an encouraging book for young moms.  Sarah and Sally are a dynamic duo pairing the perspectives of past experience and present day in-the-trenches mentality.  Undergirded by the principles of Scriptural grace, both women emphasize the importance of prioritizing relationship as opposed to rules throughout the child- rearing years.  Sally emphasizes the importance of cultivating a warm, nurturing home environment, while Sarah speaks out of her recent battles with depression to provide key helps and perspectives for young moms. Desperate is not a book of formulas or step by step strategies; instead it encourages young moms to embrace their own strengths and convictions and to parent with intentionality.

I found Desperate to be refreshing, a revitalizing oasis of grace-based parenting in the desert of formulaic, even legalistic parenting approaches.  This book helped to crystallize a mindset of parenting that is borne out of Christlike love and grace rather than a behavioral approach.  I will reference and recommend Desperate frequently, I have no doubt.

goals and epiphanies

Normally, I scorn New Year's resolutions.  I think that if change is needed, one ought to do it regardless of the date on the calendar.  Why change just because it's January 1st?  This year is different.  This year I feel change bubbling up inside of me. Maybe it's the books I've been reading lately.  Maybe it's the growing conviction that a life lived unintentionally is a wasted life.  I don't want my life to be wasted.  I want to live with purpose, with intention.

Another reason I tend to avoid New Year's resolutions is the inevitable disappointment of failure that usually follows.  Lofty goals lead to certain defeat, in my mind.  But this year, the concepts of grace and purposeful direction have turned into an epiphany of sorts.  It's not about the numbers on the scale, or the public behavior of my child, or meeting the expectations of others; it's about living and walking in the direction of the convictions God has laid on my heart through His Word. So to that end, I've made my aim 5 out of 7 days of success in each goal. 

I want to grow as a mom, as a wife, as a spiritual mentor, as an academic professional, as a child of God.  I want to live a life that matters.  I want to shepherd my daughter's heart to love God and to enjoy life.  I want to become more like Jesus. I want to love my husband better.  I want to be more healthy and to create an environment of health for my family.  These priorities govern my goals.  

So here's to 2013! May it be a year of forward motion, not necessarily a year of goal completion.

What "forward motion" have you seen in your life over the past year? What are your goals for the new year?