My Word for 2017: Hope

2016 was not a year of hope for me. 

 

death, tragedy, and loss marked the close of the year. 

pain ebbed and flowed around me like an ocean tide. 

 

Since August, hopelessness has pressed down hard upon my spirit.

I have Jesus, so I have Hope, but the feeling of hope has been absent from me.

So for 2017, I choose Hope as my word of the year.  Not because I feel it or believe in a magical "name and claim it" kind of faith. But because truth trumps feeling. So I choose to believe the best is yet to come, pain has purpose, mourning will be turned to dancing, and the trying of our souls produces fruit that is worth its weight in gold.

I choose to find Hope in the clear voice of my daughter turning her piano practice time into a song leading service, urging her imaginary audience to "sing along."

I choose to find Hope in the spontaneous dance party that spontaneously erupted in my house last night as my husband and daughter broke out the moves to a favorite Brooklyn Tabernacle praise team song.

I choose to see these moments as gifts.   Rays of sunlight bursting through the clouds.

I choose to look for Hope. 

How We Prepared for Marriage Before We Even Began Dating

The ten-year mark of our marriage has me reflecting on God's grace in our lives and how He led us to one another.  By His grace, we have experienced a largely joy-filled, conflict-free marriage.  As I reflected on the possible reasons for this gift, I mentally retraced the choices we made and paths through which God led us before reaching the point where our individual journeys merged into one. What pre-marital preparations did we make (wittingly or unwittingly) that resulted in a marriage relatively free of strife and discord?  

1.  No Previous Long-term Dating Relationships.
Purely by God's grace overriding life's circumstances, neither one of us had had a long-term dating relationship prior to dating each other.  As if, in a unique way, God had kept us or set us apart for one another.  The huge benefits to our short list of past relationships meant that we had not practiced long-term commitments/break-ups with others that might have resulted in broken/scarred hearts.  Our hearts are whole, scar-free, and wholly for one another.  Mental comparisons or shared intimacies haven't marred the exclusivity of our marriage.

2.  Purity at a Premium.  Because of our Christian faith, both Conroy and I had determined from a young age that our bodies would be saved for our future spouse only.  I believe God honored our individual vows made long before we knew one another.  The unbounded joy we experience in one another in our marriage is, I am convinced, a blessed reward for honoring the sanctity of marriage throughout our single youth.

3.  Reading, Researching, and Reviewing Godly Marriage.  Throughout my teens and twenties, I read Christian counseling books on marriage and relationships.  Growing up as a pastor's kid, I saw the good, bad, and the ugly when it came to Christian marriages.  By my mid-to-late teens, I had a fairly good idea of what kind of marriage I wanted, and I had no illusions about a "fairy tale" marriage.  I understood that it took hard work and I had a fair idea of what that work might look like, thanks to my extensive reading on marriage and real-life observations. Conroy, as well, sought out mentors and read extensively on the subject of marriage.  This pre-pre-marital research helped us to lay the groundwork for a good marriage before we even met.

4.  Making Friendship a Priority.  Books I read in my late teens and early twenties shaped my thinking in this regard.  The concept that a person's character is most accurately revealed apart from the dating experience really resonated with me.   Observing the character of a potential mate in real life situations before the rose-tinted glasses of attraction/infatuation color his/her character is so crucial.   For Conroy and me, this really came into play.  Working together and co-existing on the same campus with overlapping circles of friends allowed us to know and observe each other's character long before we ever entered into a dating relationship.  We even had the additional blessing of a closer, year-long friendship with each other devoid of the usual need to impress one another since we were each involved in brief dating relationships during that year.  So when we did date, any pretense or "putting the best foot forward" was utterly pointless since we already knew one another pretty well.  (Which is why I say in our love story blog posts that when I said "yes" to dating him, I pretty much knew I was saying "yes" to marrying him!) The friendship we built before we dated has been the bedrock of our marriage.  We still enjoy each other's conversation and company as one of our favorite aspects of our relationship.

5.  Knowing Who We Were Looking For.  At the ripe old age of twelve, I remember drawing up a list of qualities I wanted in a life's mate.  I knew at least by then, also, that I wanted to go into ministry, so I was looking for a guy with the same calling.  Knowing who I was looking for helped to narrow my focus and preempt dating relationships with guys I knew right off the bat not to be the type of person I was looking for.  During my mid-to-late twenties as I really struggled with my singleness, the recollection of my focus and calling pulled me back from flirtations and "dabblings" with guys for whom I was tempted to sacrifice my standards out of loneliness and desperation. In the end, I readily recognized Conroy as The One because he was the first and only to fulfill all of my criteria.

6.  Focusing on Who God Wanted Me to Be.   We've all probably heard the cliche about focusing more on being Mrs. Right than on finding Mr. Right.  But deeper than a cliche is the understanding that God's purpose in all of life's circumstances is to confirm us into the image of His Son. When we align our goals to His, then we will seek to be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ first and foremost. Marriage isn't our ultimate goal; being like Jesus is.  I'm thankful for the work of the Spirit in my life, the godly influence of wise mentors, and the quality resources found in good books that helped keep my focus on Jesus during those pre-marriage years.

7.  Finding My All in God Alone.  More and more I realize what a "severe mercy" those long years of singleness have been in my life.  I have recalled and revisited the hard-won lessons learned during that time so often.  Because I had to practice contentment and complete trust in God as my Husband then, I am better able to identify and resist the temptation to rest all of my expectations on my earthly husband now.  I am used to seeing Jesus alone as my Source of joy instead of turning to a flawed, finite human being as the chief source of my happiness in life.  I'm not perfect at this discipline, but my years of singleness have equipped me well.

Nothing is wasted -- not the years of singleness, not the hours scouring my dad's office for another riveting read as a teenager, not even the flawed failings of our flesh.  God uses all these for His Glory and for our transformation.  The older I get, the more life I live, the more I see that God always brings everything full circle, even the seemingly trivial details. He uses it.  How grateful I am to be used of Him, a simple instrument in the Potter's hand.

A Decade of Delight and Disappointment

10 years.  A decade.  So many years of marriage...  So short a time when you're in love...

Looking back over the last ten years, I see mostly sunshine and roses with just enough rain and thorns to make us appreciate the warmth and sweetness. Chronologically, I would characterize our first decade in this way:

Delight #1:  After many years of singleness, finally marrying the man of my dreams and experiencing God's gracious goodness in the delight of our love.  Our marriage has been the "exceeding abundant" answer to my every prayer and has surpassed my wildest expectations.

Disappointment #1:  Realizing in the second year of our marriage that conceiving a child would be difficult for us.  Battling infertility has been the cloud in the otherwise sunny sky for most of the first decade of our marriage.  But through it all, we have found solace in one another and in the sovereignty of our God.  I often think of Elkanah's words to Hannah in 1 Samuel chapter one, and silently answer his question to his wife "Am I not better to you than ten sons?"  with a firm "yes" as applies to the gift God has given me in Conroy.

Delight #2: The blessing of our miracle from heaven, our own Jacie Nevaeh, born in the fourth year of our marriage when we had just about given up hoping for biological children.  She has been our gift that keeps giving as we delight in each stage of her development!

Disappointment #2:  Secondary infertility.  I mistakenly thought that after having one child, the "floodgates would open" and more children would come easily.  Not so.  Prayers and tears and more doctors' visits have proved me wrong.  But the same truths that held me during my years of singleness and then during the first few years of infertility have held me and have been my stay and comfort. I'm reminded once again to keep my hands open in surrender to the One Who loves perfectly and to relinquish my dreams as I allow Him to write my story.

Delight #3:  Ministering together.  "Two hearts, one dream."  We're in this life journey together.  Our calling unified.  There's no greater joy than serving the Lord, except for the joy of serving Him together.  He has replaced our dreams and expectations with His own, and we delight in discovering His unexpected plans for us.

So it is with the confident delight in our sovereign Lord's plans, that I eagerly anticipate the next decade (and more) of our marriage --  peering around the corner down the next corridor of the joyous adventure found in serving our Great and Worthy Savior together!

It Takes a Church....

Hillary Clinton famously said "It takes a village to raise a child."  As conservatives, we decry such a notion, loathing the idea of any secularized institution having a hand in shaping the heart, soul, and mind of our precious, impressionable children.  Unfortunately, I (and perhaps others) have assumed that the rightful opposite of that statement is that Christian parents are to bear the sole responsibility of raising their children.  God has been very creatively and deliberately showing me how wrong I am in that assumption.  

As a naturally independent person with specific beliefs and opinions on the rearing of my child, I have eagerly embraced the responsibility of raising my daughter in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  Conroy and I are intentional about regular Bible devotional time and prayer with our daughter. We expose her regularly and deliberately to children's Bible songs and Bible media.  Both Conroy and I were led to the Lord at our parents' knees.  Both of us were raised in pastors' homes and have Bible college degrees. So naturally, I assumed and expected that most likely we would be the ones to lead our daughter to the saving knowledge of Christ.

The church is dear to us and a regular part of our lives.  We firmly believe in the ministry of the local church and its important place in our daughter's live and in our lives.  But still, in my mind, I saw it as secondary to our home discipleship.  Then when Jacie was attending 2 &3 year old Sunday School, a shift occurred in my thinking.

In questioning her about her lesson after church as normal one Sunday, Jacie replied with the Gospel message -- the simple story of Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection to take the punishment for our sins.  For the first time, in her own words, I heard her articulate the Gospel.  Tears rushed to my eyes and the realization flooded through me that the faithfulness of her Sunday School teacher brought these eternal truths to bear on her conscience for the first time.

Fast forward to this year.  Jacie is 5, now approaching her 6th birthday next month.  My prayers for her salvation have intensified over the last year as I have seen her understanding grow and her knowledge deepen.  Also, I was saved at the age of 5 1/2 years, the truth dawning on me as the culmination of Bible teaching and exposure was ignited by the Holy Spirit in my heart .  So I had spent the year asking the Lord for the salvation of my daughter at an early age, as well.

Jacie attended kindergarten at our church's Christian school in the mornings for the last few months of school while I filled in at the high school in a long-term sub position.  I would pick her up in the late morning, and we would spend the rest of the day together -- either "homeschooling" or out and about.  One evening during our regular devotional time together, the topic of the children's Bible lesson we were reading related to salvation.  As I occasionally do, I asked Jacie if she had ever received Christ.  Usually her answers were evasive or she became silly and restless which I always took as the Holy Spirit's leading that she was not yet ready.  However, on this night, her answer was very serious and very specific.  She began to tell me how her kindergarten teacher at school presented the Gospel to the class during Bible time and encouraged them to pray to receive Christ if they hadn't already done so.  Jacie went on to share that she had prayed to receive Christ as her Savior in that moment.  I probed and questioned a little further as Jacie continued to express her understanding of the the Gospel and her faith in Christ.

The wonder hasn't left me yet.  God is so good to answer my specific prayer regarding Jacie coming to know Jesus as Savior at a young age!  Further, once again He sovereignly chose to use her Christian school teacher as the instrument of her salvation, once again, instead of her parents.

And so, I assert, with wonder and praise, that it takes the Church to raise a child in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  The body of Christ is meant to work together in sync for the procreation of the Kingdom.  How blessed are we to be a part of His body and how true it is that we are meant to need each other!

"So, How's Homeschooling Going?"

Every now and then someone will pose the question to me "How's homeschooling going?"  Several answers flit through my mind -- each one incomplete by itself.  So here's my long-winded response:

It's bumpier than I expected.
It's hard for me to stick to a schedule.  I hate being housebound, so we're often out and about -- at the library, the grocery store, the local park, or even taking road trips to see family and friends.   So there are days when no formal "homeschooling" is done.  Other days we do stick to the schedule, at least partially...

But I'm okay with the bumps now.
At first, I panicked, "Oh no, we're not sticking to the schedule!"  or "We're not getting done by noon!" or "We didn't get to math today!" This reaction despite the "relaxed" philosophy I thought I had adopted.  I'm still finding my way...  I rationalize that she already knows how to read.   She's doing first grade math.  Do I really need to stick to schedule, to "home school" every day? It's only kindergarten! And we do Classical Conversations on Friday.

In the end, all the reasons I wanted to home school are still the reasons I love homeschooling

I love spending time with my daughter.

I love getting to be the one who introduces new concepts, listening to her articulate her burgeoning theology in Bible time, watching her mentally wrestle with and grasp math facts.

I love making up funny animal references to her misshapen letters and getting to crack up with her at her mistakes.  I love that she pokes fun at me when I make a letter that's not perfect for her to copy for her handwriting work.

I love that she loves me teaching her, too. Recently, while correcting her handwriting (not her favorite subject), she impulsively hugged me and said, "I love having you as my teacher, Mom!"  A golden moment.

I love the flexibility of apple-picking "field trips", the real world people skills interaction with grocery cashiers, and endless hours to spend at the library.  

In the beginning, I despaired of ever getting "alone time" again, even wondering if maybe home school isn't for us. But recent weeks have deepened the surety of the calling.  No one event or clarion moment sticks out, just a sense of rightness settling in: this is what I am called to do. These days, these years are fleeting.  My moment, my window of opportunity to make an eternal impression on my daughter is now. So I won't give it away; I won't subcontract teaching, mentoring, and shaping my daughter to anyone else.

Top 5 Favorites from my 5-year-old

My little girl turned 5 this year!  In honor of her birthday, I'm posting my top 5 favorites about my girl at this age.

1. Imagination Galore.  All she has to do is slip into her princess dress-up dress, and she's transformed.  She adopts this demure demeanor (NOT normal at all), and calmly walks up to me with downcast eyes and hands demurely clasped in front of her skirt.  "Excuse me, but why does a beautiful maiden have to work as a servant? "she queries in melodramatic, affected martyr-like tones.

2. Avid Conversation and Storytelling Abilities.   Once she gets started, you can't get her to stop!  But the discussion is so worth it.  She remembers every detail of Bible stories and retells them with a dramatic flair, acting out parts as she goes along.  She always has something to say (which is sometimes overwhelming to this Mama who needs her peace and quiet!), but when I take time to really listen, what a window into her fertile mind I get!

3. Creative Morning Wake-up Calls.  I never know what I'm gonna wake up to.  One morning it's her mouth pressed to the doorknob, singing "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?".   Another morning it's a made-up good-morning song.  I've seen homemade "letters" appear under my bedroom door.  Most recently, I was laying bed suddenly I hear the canned cheer of a crowd coming from the door. I started laughing despite myself when I realized the sound effect came from one of her birthday cards that she must be holding up to the door.

4.  Expressive, Independent Reading.  Even though she has been reading well for over a year, I still love eavesdropping on her reading aloud alone in her room.  Book after book, she reads with such expression and interest.  I joy in this shared passion, especially as we take almost daily trips to our local library in the summer (within walking distance, thankfully!).  She eagerly anticipates the newest book being checked out, reading the title aloud and even upside down as the librarian checks it out, jumping up and down with excitement and attempting to begin reading the book even as we walk home.  I so KNOW and share the same feeling and just revel in seeing it played out through her even at this age.

5.  Sweet, Uninhibited Affection.  Occasionally without warning, she will kiss my cheek or sidle up next to me with her hand on my arm. These actions always take me by surprise as I am not naturally spontaneously affectionate.  I am so thankful that she is, though, because it reminds me to stop what I'm doing and reciprocate that affection.  I also know there's a day coming when such impulses may be squelched, when reserve or resentment may replace such childlike expressions of love.  And I want to soak them all in today.  I want to gather them up and keep them like pressed flowers in the pages of my heart.

3 Reasons Why a Marriage Works

Last week, one of our college students from our young adult group at church asked for my feedback on a homework assignment (See below).



I had to think about this for a little bit.  Marriage advice articles are a dime a dozen online.  But if I had to boil down all those blog articles (including my own), all the books I've read, all the radio broadcasts I've heard on the topic, what crucial nuggets would I be left with? Here are the answers I settled on:

3 Reasons Why a Marriage Works:

1. A marriage works when two people are more committed to honoring God and their marriage vows than they are to serving their personal happiness. Marriage isn't all happiness and romance, so a couple has to be committed to stick it out through the tough times.
2. A marriage works when both people look for ways to serve, love, and honor each other. Selfishness cannot exist in a successful marriage. Each person should have the attitude of "how can I show love and respect to my spouse today?"

3. A marriage works when it's guarded diligently from potential wreckers -- coming from outside sources or internal (heart) sources. Both spouses should guard against any other human relationship usurping the place only their partner should have. And both must guard against bitterness, unforgiveness, or a critical attitude that can tear a marriage apart from the inside.

What would be your top three? Or what have I left out? Your thoughts, please!