Fear and Hope

Already I feel the fear raising its ugly head.  What if the next pregnancy proves as elusive as it was the first time?  Am I up for the roller coaster ride of emotions, hoping every month only to be disappointed?  I try to squelch the fears with:  shouldn't I be content with the child I have?  Or it's too soon to know if I will have difficulty getting pregnant again because I'm still nursing.  Or even, it's out of my control anyway, so why worry about it --- when it happens, it happens! 

And yet...  the twinge has returned when I hear about another pregnancy, when I think of my desire to have a family -- siblings playing together, growing together. I am thankful and so blessed with my husband and my little girl that I feel guilty even about the twinge.  But, still, it bothers me that what comes easily to so many is such a fraught-with-frustration process for me.  Perhaps I'm worrying too soon -- maybe, maybe not.  So, cautiously, I will let myself hope.  And I will try to remember Aslan's words in The Horse and His Boy as God's reminder to me: 
"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

This is my story -- my lot -- perfectly handcrafted by God to work His purpose for my life and no one else's.