The Tipping Point

In early July of 2005, my phone rang toward the end of the evening.  Conroy asked if I would meet him in the Student Development Office downstairs (my apartment and the Women's Dorm were on the top two stories of the college's academic building).  I agreed and came down to the office to find a student had stopped by to chat.  Quickly dismissing the student, Conroy closed the door after her and turned his attention to me.  In response to my questioning look, he calmly yet firmly stated that he needed to tell me that he was interested in me.

My mind reeled with a hundred thoughts.  Just that afternoon, I had spent time with the Lord in repentance for an empty flirtation I had allowed myself to become distracted by.  Conroy's statement of intentions coming so closely on the heels of my renewed commitment to honor The Lord in my singleness seemed incongruous.  I remember thinking that surely I needed time to "prove myself" to God again before He might "reward me" with a relationship.  Surely I must do some penance first! But how gracious our God is to forgive, and His gifts are not tied to our performance or "worthiness," thankfully!

Rapidly following this line of thinking came the inner question, "Am I interested back?"  Per the growing realizations discussed in previous posts, I knew I was interested enough not to immediately slam the door on Conroy's expression of interest.

These swirling thoughts resulted in a stammered response along the lines of  "I don't know.  I'm just not sure right now."  I don't remember how much else I expressed of what I was thinking.  I do remember a couple of Conroy's follow-up remarks, including wanting to get a chance to tell me how he felt before the next potential suitor came along (to which I almost laughed aloud -- for the vast majority of my twenties I had not had one suitor; this past year, my 28th year, had simply been a fluke).  Conroy also asked if me putting him off should be interpreted as "please pursue me."  Subltely and mind games between men and women had been a frequent topic of past conversations between us, so this question did not seem out of context to me.  In fact, it had the effect of reminding me just who is was I was talking to --- a dear friend with whom I could always be open and comfortable.  I laughed and shook my head in response, "No, I'm not playing games with you.  I just need some time to think about it.  Let's not change anything right now."

But words spoken cannot be unspoken, and so, though the comfort level never changed between us, a heightened awareness hung over our interactions over the next few weeks.