Love, Christmas, and Jamaica

A formal proposal with a ring followed shortly after the NYC conversation.  By the end of November 2005, we were officially engaged.  I flew out to Jamaica to meet Conroy's family for the first time that Christmas and fell more in love with heritage of the man I was to marry.  Looking through family photo albums that Christmas, I dreamt of the day I'd get to bring our children to their father's homeland and introduce them to their heritage as well. Conroy stayed behind in Jamaica for an additional week while I flew home to spend my last Christmas as a single adult in my parents' home.

That week was the longest amount of time we had spent apart since we had begun dating.  Each day seemed excruciatingly long as I counted the moments until our reunion.  The time spent together in Jamaica, focused almost exclusively on each other without the daily distractions of work and ministry, immediately followed by a week of separation confirmed to me that he was my other half.  In my mind, by this time, I was as committed to Conroy as if we were already married.  We actually even talked fleetingly of eloping while we were in Jamaica, but knew that our separate commitments as RDs would suffer if we came back married (not to mention how left out my family and our friends in the U.S. would feel!).  So we reluctantly agreed we would wait the additional six months until June of 2006.

Waiting at the airport in JFK to pick up my fiance, I finally caught sight of his famous smile, then secondarily noticed how formally he was dressed.  Upon questioning him about it later during the drive home, I was shocked to find out he'd almost been stuck in Jamaica due to a passport/immigration snafu.  He had been in the U.S. embassy just hours before his flight was to take off trying to convince the official that he was indeed gainfully employed by a religious institution as his papers stated. The skeptical passport agent finally located Conroy's picture on the college website and granted him a renewed passport just in time for Conroy to jump in the car and catch his flight to the U.S.  Such international red tape drama is par for the course, but my mind reeled to consider how our lives might have been drastically affected had the agent's whim resulted in Conroy's visa being cancelled.  (Conroy has many such stories of God's direct intervention in getting through visa red tape, but that's for another blog...) Never a dull moment!

God Will Make a Way....

The next couple weeks following this impasse were difficult emotionally for me.  I would give the situation over to the Lord, then take it back.  I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster -- one moment resting in the Lord and trusting His provision, the next trying to figure how we could get married or what to do if Conroy didn't want to give up his 10-year plan.  Thankfully, God was merciful to me and didn't allow me to stay in turmoil for long!

One morning early in November, Conroy burst into the office where I worked as the college admissions administrative assistant. Excitedly, he pulled me into the back room where he could tell me his news in private.  The school had offered him a full-time job as recruiter for the admissions office.  He would get to travel, speaking in churches and high school chapels while representing the school.  The job lined up well with Conroy's strengths, and he could start in two weeks!  What a quick and exact answer to our prayers!  I wanted to say, "Now we can get married!" But Conroy hadn't said that, so I didn't want to jump ahead if he hadn't come to that same conclusion himself.

Though still a bit worried that Conroy hadn't/ wouldn't come around to wanting to get married in the near future, my heart was encouraged by this evidence of God's provision.  Deep in my bones, I felt certain that we could not, would not wait long to get married.  I tried to guess in my head -- this summer?  the following summer?  Surely not much longer than that, Lord!

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Sometime before this, we had volunteered to drive down to NYC to pick up a friend from the airport and drive her back to Binghamton.  The three-hour trip was a welcome time together.  Most of our days were filled with our full-time jobs, full-time grad school, and full-time RD responsibilities, making time alone together something that often got relegated to late-night runs at the only track in town with lighting.  Dating while working together in front of a campus full of students had its drawbacks, to be sure.  Despite those drawbacks, I'm grateful for the real world issues we had to learn to deal with even while dating.  We had no illusions that life would be too different in any future ministry scenario.

As we approached the George Washington bridge arching over the black waters of the Hudson, the lights of the city twinkled in the distance matching the overhead stars in the velvety dark sky.  Interrupting the momentary pause in conversation, Conroy dramatically announced, "I have a question to ask you."  My heart stuck in my throat --- how I hoped it was THE question!  "What do you think about us getting married this summer?"  he asked in an almost casual tone.  My mind exploded with a million thoughts -- how and when had he changed his mind?  And without any hint or warning to me! Of course, I wholeheartedly agreed once I found my voice.  At some point, I did ask Conroy what made him change his mind from his 10-year plan to 7 months from then. He replied simply, "I just thought how nice it would be for us to always be together instead having to go our separate ways at the end of the day."

Ten-Year Plan

Not long into our dating relationship, Conroy and I began discussing marriage.  For reasons discussed in my previous post, we were fairly certain of the direction of our dating relationship.  My feelings that I had questioned so much over the summer of 2005 were blossoming at a rate that almost scared me.  I had never given my heart away before, had never allowed myself to fall in love completely.  I had always been a very guarded person in that way and had purposely never even allowed myself to say the words "I love you" to any man before, believing as I did (and do) that love is more than a feeling -- it is a commitment.

Though our feelings were strong and our confidence in one another certain, Conroy had long- term goals that he wanted to fulfill prior to marriage. He planned to finish his masters degree (in progress at this time), then go on to complete his Ph.D.  His estimate of completion of this plan was somewhere around 10 years.  When he first mentioned this to me, I laughed, not taking him seriously.    I was 29 years old.  I was not planning to wait 10 years to get married.  In addition, I strongly felt that dating for 10 years would be very unhealthy for us.  My response once I recognized his seriousness was "If you wait 10 years to get married, it won't be to me."

The other more practical obstacle to getting married sooner was Conroy's job situation.  He had come to the U.S. on a student visa and switched to a religious workers visa when the college hired him on as resident Director of the men's dorm.  The resident director position was not a paying position for either of us.  We lived in the dorms and provided supervision in exchange for free rent and free meals in the college cafeteria.  I had another full time job in addition to the begin RD, but Conroy's visa limited his work options.  Essentially, he had to stay only under the employ of the college to stay within the guidelines of his visa.  We weren't sure how probable it would be that a full time job would open up for Conroy given the small size of the college.

Only the first obstacle was under our control anyway, and after doing as much talking as I could to change Conroy's mind, I resolved to leave the entire situation in the Lord's hands.  I certainly didn't want to have to convince or talk Conroy into marrying me!  The Lord had been faithful in every aspect of our relationship up to this point, and I knew I could trust Him to lead us right at this crossroads as well.

It's Official!

On August 6, 2005, two days after that fateful birthday outing, we officially started dating.  On that night, in the little office which Conroy and I used alternately after hours to complete online grad school work, the discussion inevitably turned to our status as a couple. Much debate and conversation had already been expended regarding the effect our relationship would have on the student body.  Being in a highly visible position on a small campus had its drawbacks with regard to us dating.  The last thing I wanted was to go through a big, emotional break up in front of a campus full of students and faculty! In addition, we would still have to work together.  Even being "on display" throughout the dating process was enough to give me second thoughts!  But underneath these discussions ran the barely acknowledged certainty that this relationship would not end. So certain was I of Conroy's character and calling that I remember thinking if I date him, we will probably get married.

For most people, the dating stage is used as the time to get to know each other.  It has its awkward moments, its attempts to impress and "put one's best foot forward," its fights and quarrels in an effort to learn to communicate with one another.  For us, our friendship allowed us to surpass most of these things.  I am so grateful to God for this!  Once we entered the dating stage, it would have been hard to honestly get to know each other without the cloud of physical attraction and other pressures distracting us.  Because we had already spent a lot of time communicating and getting to know each other minus the rose-colored glasses, we had a fair idea of what we were getting into.  In addition, we already knew that each had the certain qualities and qualifications that the other was looking for in a spouse.  Each of us had felt the call of God individually on our lives for full-time ministry so we knew that we were looking for spouses with ministry callings, as well.  I say all this to explain that it wasn't blind love (or lust) that caused me to be so certain that I would marry Conroy from the outset of our dating relationship; it was a certainty built on the sure knowledge of his character and on the strong foundation of our friendship.

The day after we started dating, Conroy had dinner with my parents and me since they had already made plans to come to Binghamton to take me out for my birthday. Once again, it didn't seem weird or odd that he was meeting my parents so soon in our brand new relationship.  My parents were simply getting to know my good friend, now boyfriend, quickly on his way to becoming the love of my life.

The Start of Something Big

Before I left for California, Conroy asked if I had plans for my birthday.  That year my birthday fell in the middle of the work week, so I had no plans on that day, though my parents were planning to make the hour and a half drive to take me out on the weekend.  Conroy warned me not to make any other plans, but that he wanted to take me out after work on my birthday.  He told me to think about where I saw myself in 5-10 years and what my life goals were.  He surely knew the way to my heart! I was looking forward to an evening of great conversation, excited at the thought of sharing goals and dreams with someone as interested and interesting as Conroy.  I knew his thoughtful, probing questions and insightful comments would make for meaty, "level five" communication that I so valued.

My brother's wedding took place less than a week before my birthday.  So when Conroy came to pick me up from the airport, my birthday was only a few days away.  No great ephiphanies or melodramatic movie airport reunion scenes occurred. In fact, our reunion left me a bit nonplussed. Had I been over romanticizing our connection? Should I just tell Conroy right now that it's never going to happen, that my feelings weren't what his were?  Once again, I uttered the prayer I'd been praying for the past month, " God, please flip the switch if this relationship is meant to be! This guy is everything I have always wanted and more, but I need to feel more than just friendship for him in order to take the next step."

The day of my birthday arrived.  Conroy took me to a local park, surprising me by planning a picnic dinner.  He put the chicken on the grill to cook and I settled on the picnic table bench, chatting as he lit the coal. Deep in conversation as the evening wore on, we scarcely noticed that the chicken wasn't cooking until, as darkness descended, a park ranger came to tell us the park was closing.  We took our undercooked chicken, packed our uneaten picnic dinner, and left for Denny's.  Over our belated supper, at one point in the conversation, Conroy leaned toward me and said intently, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." I don't remember my verbal response, but I remember that moment with a spellbound clarity.  And, in my heart, deep down, I knew for certain, too, that this was the man with whom I wanted to be in a life long conversation.

Later that already late evening (probably more like 1 or 2 AM), we paused on the stone bench outside of the restaurant, almost unconsciously resisting the inevitable ending to our evening.   Of those last few minutes of conversation, I remember little except that, watching Conroy as he talked, all I wanted was for him to kiss me.  And, in that moment, I knew --- the switch had flipped.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

July of 2005 brought a wedding (not mine) -- my brother married his California bride in San Jose. My family made plans to fly out and spend an extra week after the wedding as family vacation time, sightseeing and touring the Bay area.  I said goodbye to Conroy, making arrangements with him to pick me up from the airport upon my return.  I still wasn't sure how I felt about him.  I felt no closer to any concrete decision about moving forward in a relationship with Conroy than I had on the day he told me of his feelings.

"He's just a friend,"  I assured my inquisitive aunt one night in our hotel room upon ending yet another two-hour conversation with Conroy.  "Hmmm, "  she murmured cryptically.  "You don't spend two hours on the phone every night with 'just a friend.'" This statement stuck like a burr in my mind.  And so did Conroy.  Being away, not seeing him every day as I was used to doing since we worked together and lived on the same campus --- I realized how inextricably my life had become woven with his.  He was my best friend already. I wanted to share every part of my day with him (thus the long phone conversations).  But was this enough?

The words of a good friend of mine echoed in my head:  "Conroy is one of the godliest guys I've ever met!  I don't know if I've ever been around someone so passionate about God!"  Her words had nudged me a bit out of my complacency.  If I didn't make a decision soon, perhaps some other wonderful, more deserving girl (like my friend) would snatch him up! Her statement also prompted the memory of my list of qualities in an ideal guy written as a teenager --  passion for God and passion for people topped the list.  Anyone who knew Conroy at all knew that he exuded those qualities.  What else could I possibly want or ask for?  A tiny thrill of fear/excitement shivered through me.  Could he actually be the one God had for me?  What if I made the wrong decision and let this amazing man slip away?

I enjoyed the time away, relishing time with family and friends, rejoicing with my brother in his happiness. The unintended result of this time apart for Conroy and me proved to be helpful in giving me the clarity I was looking for.  At least, I began to see myself as leaning more toward saying "yes" than not.