The Surprising Secret (that's not really surprising)

Ok, I admit that I'm one of those moms that always wants to know the answers in advance.  I want to always have it together and know how to react in every situation.  Advance planning.  No surprises. And because I became a mom later in life (at the ripe old age of 34), I believed to a large extent that life experience, observation, and lots of reading had equipped me well for this journey of parenthood.  I was not a nervous mom with a newborn.  I didn't panic when I was alone with my daughter for the first time.  I put my plans and reading into action and, for the most part, everything worked smoothly (or perhaps time has erased my memory, haha).

Until she threw her first tantrum a couple months before her second birthday.  

Until the tantrums increased to almost every day.

Until she began biting other children in the nursery.  

Bewilderment was my initial reaction. Then frustration gave way to emotional exhaustion as the tantrums increased instead of abated despite resorting to various tactics to alternately ignore, then deter her misbehavior.  Finally, I hit upon The Secret. Rather, it was actually suggested to me by a wise mom.

"Have you prayed with her about it?" she asked me.
Caught off guard, I stuttered, "Well... no," thinking, "Pray???  With a not-quite-two-year-old?"

Of course, we prayed with her at night and over meals. But in the day-to-day, moment-by-moment real-time issues of life?
Of course, I knew that's what I ought to be doing as a Christian, as the adult, as a godly mom -- praying for God to give me wisdom  -- but silently, in my head.  Not out loud. And not with the source of the problem -- at the moment, my daughter.

But nothing else seemed to be working, and in my heart of hearts I knew that I wanted to point my daughter to God in all of life's struggles, to teach her at a young age to flee to the One Who is Able to Help. Shouldn't the first tendency of our hearts be to go to Him with our cares, concerns, and frustrations?  Honestly, it's not usually my first tendency, though I know it ought to be.  But what a gift to be able to give my daughter -- to establish this habit early on, to train the young, malleable bent of her heart toward God.

So, eagerly, (while still cautiously instructing my heart to not see prayer as a magic formula), I anticipated the next occasion that usually precipitated some type of explosion.  Pausing before we reached the top of the stairs leading to the nursery, I beckoned for my daughter to stop with me and announced that we were going to pray together.  Asking her to repeat with me, I prayed simply that she would be kind to her friends and share with them instead of getting angry with them and hurting them. When we would go to the playground, we would stop and pray together, asking God to help Jacie obey Mommy with a happy heart when it was time to leave the park.

Almost miraculously, her tantrums began to subside.  My shamefully skeptical mind ran over a list of possibilities other than God's direct intervention:  perhaps she was developmentally about at the end of the tantrum stage anyway, perhaps just the verbal reminder via prayer stuck in her little mind, perhaps..., perhaps...  But I want to give full credit to God.  And to acknowledge His work in my heart.  Perhaps (and probably likely) the lesson was for me.  I can tell you, it's stuck with me.  I make a conscious effort to incorporate prayer in any discipline efforts with Jacie now.  I forget sometimes, even for days in a row.  But sooner or later, I come back to it; it's something I work hard to be intentional about. I need to be reminded of my dependency on God just as much as my daughter does.  And prayer reminds us of our great need for God, and positions us to be alert to His work in our lives.

So PRAYER is the not-so-secret Secret ~

Not earth-shattering, but heaven-and-earth-moving.

Dreaming a Different Dream

I dreamt of picket fences, marriage right out of college, and a neat, orderly life.

Instead, God sent me to China, allowed me to be single, and opened my eyes to a great, big world.

I dreamt of finding fulfillment in children of my own, raising up an army to serve the King.

Instead, God limited my offspring and opened doors of outreach.

I dreamt my dream of life.

Instead, God gave me His.

Today our household increases by one more.  

One more sweet, possibly scared Korean teenager looking for a place to stay in a strange, new land.  That makes five of us, no two ethnicities alike. 

That makes our house about as multi-cultural as you get with a Jamaican, an American, a "Ja-merican," a Chinese, and a Korean.  

Our "household of faith."  

The one I didn't dream of, but the one that fills my heart with joy and with PURPOSE today. 

 God's dreams are better than mine.  

Always. 

Lesson Planning as WORSHIP

It really is true:  The Holy Spirit deals first with the teacher before dealing with the student. 

Every week I plan the lesson for my Sunday School class whom I dearly love. 

 Every week I am humbled almost to tears, awed in worship, and filled with adoration for my Jesus. 

 Something happens during the preparation time, and suddenly it's just Jesus and me. 

 His faces shines so bright in the pages of Scriptures.  

I am overcome by Him once again. 

There's nothing like it.

The passion to share what I've seen, what I KNOW to be true wells up within me, but I fear that my words fall far short in adequately conveying this truth so mind-blowing, so weighty, so radically life-altering.  But I must keep trying because His Word burns within me; I cannot squelch it.  I must speak of Him Who is worthy, so worthy.  I must speak of His Word because it is The. Only. Thing. that changes lives.  

So with the hymn writer of old, I sing loudly:

“Look and live,” my brother, live,

Look to Jesus now, and live;

’Tis recorded in His word, hallelujah!

It is only that you “look and live.”

I’ve a message from the Lord, hallelujah!

This message unto you I’ll give,

’Tis recorded in His word, hallelujah!

It is only that you “look and live.”

Something Bigger than Me

On Sunday, we sang these lyrics from the hymn "Speak O Lord" by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty:

Speak, O Lord, and renew our minds; 

Help us grasp the heights of Your plans for us. 

Truths unchanged from the dawn of time, 

That will echo down through eternity. 

And by grace we'll stand on Your promises; 

And by faith we'll walk as You walk with us. 

Speak, O Lord, 'til your church is built 

And the earth is filled with Your glory.

We all want to be a part of something bigger than us. Something that lives on after us. Something that touches the four corners of the globe. Something more far-reaching than our small world.  At least I do. On a regular basis, the restless desire stirs in me to DO something -- something Big, something Earth-shattering, something that Matters.  Recently, the welling realization has flooded me that the Church is the Something Big I am seeking. It's the Big Movement of all time. The Church is the Grand Plan.  Spanning 2000 years, the collective body of believers has made a startling effect on the planet -- shaping history, culture, politics, government, families, and individuals.  Slaves have been and are being set free as a result of the passionate advocacy of members of Christ's Body. The hungry are being fed as a result of the compassionate work of Christian organizations. The academically and Biblically illiterate are being given the Words of Life in many nations around the world as a result of missionary work. As an individual, I cannot do all these things alone, or even at all.  I am just one person.  But I am part of the body of Christ. And we are One.  

So when I lift my voice in song -- proclaiming eternal truth, building the church, glorifying God.  I am thousands, probably millions of voices strong. I am singing as one with the present day members of Christ's body huddled together in an underground church in Asia.  I raise my voice in song along with  the church behind the Iron Curtain of the '80s in Russia.  My voice is united with the believers in Acts  experiencing the Holy Spirit building the church for the first time.  Across all of time, across all geographical boundaries, the church is one, accomplishing Kingdom work as one Body with one purpose and one Lord. What, then, can be more fulfilling than being a part of the Church? 

Introverted, but not Inept

Have you noticed the introvert awareness craze sweeping social media lately?  If I've read one article on the introvert, I've read a dozen.  Not to mention the plethora of personality quizzes/tests, ad nauseum. Don't get me wrong, I take 'em -- every one of them! As an introvert myself, I confess to a personal fascination with the topic. In fact, I'm fascinated by discussions and analyses of personality in general.  But beneath these benign posts, quizzes, and articles lurks certain dangers.

DANGER #1 = The Victim Mentality.
It's the "I can't help it; that's just the way I am" way of thinking. We allow our personalities to define us, and we accept their limitations as final.  In other words, we begin to believe that "I'm just not good with people because I'm an introvert" or "I just can't speak in public because I'm an introvert." Or, for the extrovert, "I'm just not good at listening because I'm an extrovert" or "I can't be alone because I'm and extrovert."

 If I accepted this lie, I would not be able to do ministry. Period. 

 I would have no friends. Period.  

My relationships would all wither and die.  

If I accepted the lie of the limitations of my personality, I would be a hermit. 

Trust me, the thought's occurred to me.  It would be so much easier emotionally to never answer my phone, never leave my house,and never open my door.  Each encounter with people, even those I love dearly, requires an exertion of emotional energy. 

TRUTH TAKE-AWAY:  "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me."  (Phil. 4:16) God calls us and equips us to do what He's called us to do.  I passionately believe that God's Word is true.  I passionately desire to be a part of God's work here on earth.  So I fight the impulse to retreat into myself, and I push myself to open up.  Perfectly and always? No.  Some days I coddle my flesh.  Some days I hole away.  Some days I pass by a person in need with words unspoken.  But His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). I will never be able to love others, reach people, and share Christ without relying heavily on His strength and enabling grace.  So because my introverted tendencies cause me to rely on Him, I praise God. He keeps me humble and dependent on Him through this aspect of my personality.

DANGER #2 = The Pigeonhole Effect
Almost every article that lists traits of an introvert elicits the same mixed reaction from me, ranging from "Yes, that's me spot-on!" to "Eh, not really."  Rarely do I find an article where all 10 (or however many) points are me to a T.  No surprise there, huh?  I am a unique individual.  Tests can give ballpark, even very close results at best, but fail to plummet the depths of who you really are, in all your various layers.
Example:  One article I read recently said that introverts don't feel comfortable leading.  But I am a teacher. I lead all the time.  Leadership is one of my spiritual gifts, in addition to being a vocational necessity as a teacher.  I feel very comfortable leading and taking charge when it comes to Bible study or teaching a subject in which I have some expertise or knowledge.

TRUTH TAKE-AWAY:  Avoid assuming that someone's personality dictates her giftedness or ability.  Get to know people as individuals.  Knowing someone's personality tells you something about her, but not everything.  You may be surprised at the many "exceptions" that exist (kinda makes you wonder if we can even say what the real "rule" is...)!
As an introvert, most of my friends and close relationships tend to be with extroverts.  Why?  Because they pursue me, they don't feel inhibited to take the initiative in our relationship, they always have something to talk about so if I'm quiet sometimes, it's okay.  (And, honestly, it's just easier.  Back to that whole lack of expending extra emotional energy thing.) BUT, if I had always allowed the pigeonhole approach to prevent me from taking the time to befriend other introverts, I would have missed out on many rich friendships that I have in my life now.  It can be harder as an introvert to start a friendship with another introvert, but it's worth the effort.  Once the foundation has been laid,  the deep, "level five" communication that introverts so crave comes naturally without the prerequisite need for Small Talk (shudder, shudder).

Bottomline:  Personality type does not exempt us from the standards of Scripture and the call to Christlikeness.

Jesus, our role model, demonstrates the perfect balance.  

He took time to get away and be alone.  

Though being alone may be difficult for the extrovert, the benefits of occasional times of introspection and spiritual reflection demand that the extrovert disciplines herself in this way. 

Jesus also faithfully ministered to people despite tiredness and emotional fatigue.  

So, for us introverts, personality proclivities must not prevent us from sacrificially reaching out to those around us who need us.  

The extrovert may have no problem reaching out, and the introvert has no problem carving out alone time to get away and reflect. The reverse results in struggle for the respective personalities. 

Personality does not excuse us from doing what's right, from obeying the Spirit's promptings.  

Understanding personality differences can help us work together more effectively, harmonizing our strengths and weaknesses for the glory of God and the building up of His body (Eph. 4:16).

(Oh, and please keep sending me introvert/personality articles and quizzes.  I can't help but feed the fascination.)

Marriage Books: the Good, the Bad, and the Inadequate

I've been on a marriage book binge lately.  It was precipitated by the discovery that our local library finally had acquired the top three marriage books that had been on my wish list for about the last three years. Three different marriage books by three very different (stylistically speaking) Christian authors --- practically begs a blog post!

Marriage books are not a new obsession with me.  As a teenager, I combed the bookshelves of my father's pastoral counseling library for marriage books, counseling books, even parenting books.  This obsession led to a four-year college degree majoring in Biblical Counseling, so great was my fascination with the topics of people, relationships, and problems. While life has led me down a path other than counseling as a vocation, I still gravitate unswervingly to the marriage section in any bookstore, unable to stifle the need to read another marriage book.

Twenty plus years of reading marriage books means that I've read much of what's out there -- the overly simplistic, the formulaic, the deeply theological, the philosophical, the practical.  Life experience, close-up observation, and the test of time has weighed the balance of these books and found many of them wanting. Some have great communication tips, but not much depth for deep-rooted marital issues.  Some offer lofty ideals but few practical steps to translate principles into reality.  I often find myself wanting to recommend one chapter from this book, and another chapter from that one, but rarely any whole book.  Conroy and I often recommend one of each -- one with a basic, "common sense" type of approach and one that gives underpinning theological truth necessary to the deeper, nitty-gritty realities of marriage. (Currently, those are For Women Only and For Men Only by the Feldhahns and When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey, respectively -- for those who are curious.)

The bottom line in all this marriage book reading is this:  Marriage is about the Gospel.  The better we understand the Gospel -- that we (both me and my spouse) are sinners in need of a Savior, that we are deeply, freely, sacrificially forgiven -- the better we will demonstrate grace and forgiveness to each other. The books that spend time on this concept are the best books because they understand the truth of it. Communication tips help, love languages uplift, date nights rejuvenate, but only the Gospel has the power to change you and me and our marriages.

Feedback, please:  What's the best marriage book you've read and why?

Wrapping Up ...(our love story series)

Time flew from Christmas break to our June wedding in 2006. Premarital counseling provided more fun opportunities for the in-depth, analytical conversations we so enjoyed. We would do our homework together on Sunday nights in the little Wegmans cafe.  Our bemused counselor commented at one point, "So you two just have everything figured out, huh?"  We certainly weren't the typical naive young couple; however, in retrospect, perhaps we did come across a little too sure of ourselves!

Conroy moved into our Cedar Street apartment a month before the wedding, and we had such fun setting it up.  Relatives flew in from Jamaica, and family and friends in the States gathered on that sunny June day. Nothing could mar our happiness and joy -- not the torrential downpour that came on the Friday night of our rehearsal, not the chaos that came with situating so many out-of-town wedding guests, not the rip in my bridal veil that Saturday morning. I remember with great clarity my mother coming into the room where I was getting ready to tell me that the veil had ripped.  With some hesitation, and apparently expecting an emotional response from me, she delivered the news as if it were a great catastrophe.  I remember looking at her in surprise.  Who cares if my wedding veil is torn? I thought. I'm getting married to the love of my life today!  A euphoric haze encased me as securely as bubble wrap.  Nothing could bother me on that day. (Incidentally, my resourceful mother managed to fix the wedding veil and all went well.)

We enjoyed a blissful honeymoon in Cancun, Mexico while Binghamton, NY endured one its worst floods in decades.  Upon our return, we settled back into the routine of life as grad students and full-time employees in the Davis admissions office.  Really, our love story is still ongoing (the point of this blog).  God is teaching us so much, leading us along paths we would never have dreamt on that sunny June wedding day.  Through it all, the blessing of our love and the faithfulness of God's love has kept us.