Confession Time

Today has not been a good mama day.

I have been sharp when I should have just been firm.

I have been short when I should have been patient.

Sickness, irritation, and impatience won out over grace, love, and kindness.

I tried to make up for it, to sit down and play with my little girl after brushing her off too many times.

As I sat there and she pushed up against me yet again, crowding, jostling, elbowing -- I took a deep mental breath and vowed that I would not speak harshly to her for the next several minutes during our promised time together.

Within seconds I'd broken that promise.  Again.  And again.

Why?  Why is it that sheer grit and determination aren't enough to curb the errant tongue?  To master the deadly habit?  To rein in the stinging rebukes that fly too quickly?

for me at least the answer is to kill all self-righteousness.  

because I tend to think more highly of myself than I ought to.  I tend to feel a bit smug in my child-rearing ""skills," too confident in my general patience and calmness under most circumstances,  sure of my own strength and ability.

Until God gently reminds me that I am insufficient.  

                                                       I am in dire need of Him.  

                                  My sin is ugly and always with me, even when I am blind to it.  

Thank God that He opens my eyes to my sin so I can recognize my need.  

So I can fly to the mercy seat.  

So I can live intentionally in dependence of Him. 

"Living for Jesus"

Living for Jesus, a life that is true,
Striving to please Him in all that I do;
Yielding allegiance, glad hearted and free,
This is the pathway of blessing for me.

Living for Jesus Who died in my place,
Bearing on Calvary my sin and disgrace;
Such love constrains me to answer His call,
Follow His leading and give Him my all.

REFRAIN

O Jesus, Lord and Savior, I give myself to Thee,
For Thou, in Thy atonement, didst give Thyself for me.
I own no other Master, my heart shall be Thy throne.
My life I give, henceforth to live, O Christ, for Thee alone.

Living for Jesus, wherever I am,
Doing each duty in His holy Name;
Willing to suffer affliction and loss,
Deeming each trial a part of my cross.


Living for Jesus through earth’s little while,
My dearest treasure, the light of His smile;
Seeking the lost ones He died to redeem,
Bringing the weary to find rest in Him

My favorite old hymn of all time --


Not because I have arrived at the depth of meaning found in these lyrics


But because I long to be one who lives this way.


You could say this hymn is my personal mission statement,

the sum total of who I desire to be.

But, on a daily basis, is "my dearest treasure the light of His smile"?
Nope, often I treasure uninterrupted time more than "the light of His smile."
Often, I treasure my own ideas and opinions above "the light of His smile."
To my shame, I sometimes treasure personal comfort and convenience over
 "the light of His smile."

But when I sing this song, when I see His face in Scripture -- I'm reminded of my 
reason for living, my purpose for existence, my goal in each day's routine and 
interaction --- it's "the light of His smile." 
 
 What about you? What's your favorite song and how does it inspire you?

Life as a Crossroad

"Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse. "  ~~ Journal Prompt from Sometimes Sweet blog

I could write about the decision to teach in China from 1999-2000 as a pivotal point in my life -- that sudden, unplanned venture that rewrote my career and focused my life direction.  Because of that year in China, I have a love and passion for international students.  Because of that year in China, I went back to school for a TESL certificate and eventually an MA in education.  Because of that year in China, I see God's work on a global scale in a whole new way.

I could write about taking the job as Women's Resident Director at Davis College in 2003 as a key turning point in my life -- it led me to my husband, allowing us to work together in close contact, facilitating a life-long relationship that otherwise may not have occurred. 

But the more I live, the more I'm convinced that it's not the big "crossroads" moments that determine the course of one's life; it's the everyday choices we make along the way that determine who we are and set the tone of our lives.   You see, I believe that "man [or woman] makes his plans, but God directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)  To this day, I have a hard time articulating why I chose to go to China.  All I know is that it became the next not-so-logical step that God asked me to take after college.  But a series of milli-decisions led up to that one huge decision.  If I had met a guy in college and had been in a serious relationship upon graduation, I would not have gone.  God closed off that option for me.  He "directed my steps" in order to steer me toward my China decision.  Which then impacted the course of my life. 

The same is true of my "choice" to become RD at Davis. The year before taking the RD job,  I had just returned from living in southern California.  I was looking for an all-consuming job/ministry that I could give myself fully to as a single woman.  For various reasons, I had mistakenly assumed the RD job to be a closed door for me. When it became evident that it was a very open door, I eagerly leapt through the door!  Circumstances, or rather, God's orchestration of circumstances, very much shaped that crossroads decision, as well.

My point?  

Abide in Christ DAILY.  

Walk with the King DAILY.  

Make daily choices that add up to life choices.  

When "things work out well" for me, it's usually a result of a series of minuscule choices that have led up to one grand moment -- one decisive turning point. I have not usually found myself pondering long and hard about a key life decision -- it's usually just been the obvious next step.  

Because of allowing His Word to infiltrate and influence my thinking, because of choosing to make my life about following His Will, when the crossroads come along, the direction becomes crystal clear.  

Not to say that I haven't made bad choices or started down a deceptive path.  But even in those times, when I came to my senses and looked around me to discover where the path was leading, I could trace the arrival at that spot to a series of seemingly small, but neglectful, sinful choices.  Thank God for His grace in those times!   

So make today a crossroads day:  

Choose life!  

Choose joy! 

Choose to walk in obedience to the One Who holds the future in His hands.

The Many Faces of Valentine's Day

I know there's only an hour left of Valentine's Day.  This post is a bit late. But it's a post I've been thinking about a lot today and just now have the time to sit down and type it out.

Valentine's Day brings out a myriad of polarizing emotions in people.  Tonight in Starbucks, I heard a divorced man loudly proclaiming his dislike for the holiday, while the middle-aged man serving him commiserated.  I've seen the posts on Facebook ranging from extreme dislike to a call to realism, to the typical red hearts, dinners out, roses and chocolate.  And I say "Yes" to all of the above.  I can relate to each position, have felt the emotions of each face of Valentine's Day, and understand the theories, thoughts, and beliefs behind each post/view.

I have been the single girl, then the single adult feeling left out and alone on Valentine's Day. Because I can remember so clearly how those days felt, I almost want to downplay my own married Valentine's Day celebration.

I have experienced dashed expectations at times as a young wife and know many married women who hurt on Valentine's Day because of the lack in their own situations. So a call to realism is accurate -- sometimes our own over-the-top, Hollywood-induced, fairy tale ideals get us into trouble and cause disappointment because the typical guy just can't live up to such unrealistic expectations. Other good blogs have addressed this issue among married women.

I have experienced and do experience the glittery, gooey, sappy, starry-eyed version of Valentine's Day.  All love and hearts and flowers and chocolates. So in love with the man of my dreams.

But I get it. I do.  I get the varied emotions of Valentine's Day. 

Now, with mama-hood, a new stage has entered.  As much as I love my man and enjoy celebrating our love, I find myself excited to share new Valentine's traditions with my daughter -- to ignite the joy and interest in her eyes as she exclaims over heart-shaped pancakes and little kiddie cut-out cartoon cards. The older I get, the more of life's stages I've traveled, the more I think back with fondness to the fun holiday childhood traditions we celebrated in my family growing up.  What fills me with joy and anticipation this Valentine's Day is the prospect of building memorable traditions with my own daughter and family, passing on the fun and the love wrapped in little paper cards and conversation candy hearts.

For this Fridge I Have Longed....

Every time I look at my refrigerator door, my heart smiles.  No, not because of the refrigerator itself, nor because of what's inside it.

It's the outside that I love -- the outside covered with photos of friends and family, yes.  But especially the bottom half -- the Jacie-height part covered with random pieces of her handiwork ~~

scribbled crayon Sunday School papers, 

glued construction paper shapes, 

the requisite magnetic letters constantly changing in design and order at her whim. 

This is the fridge door I longed for so many times in those first four years of marriage while trying to get pregnant.  I wanted it so badly -- all of it -- the clutter, the chaos, the toys strewn in random places, the too-loud chatter of a toddler voice.

And now it's my life.  She's my life.

  

So while I still dream of more children, of the chatter of more than one little voice, I am thankful, so thankful that my prayer has been answered in my lively little girl.

That our house is not quiet.  

That the lower half of the refrigerator door is not bare. 

That my living room isn't grown-up neat like it was for so many years. 

I treasure the mess because it represents life -- one sweet little life much prayed for and much loved and too soon grown up.

Write? Nap? Read?

Oh, the conundrums of a MOP (mother of a preschooler)! What to do with those few golden hours of Time To Myself?  As I fight to get my three-and-a-half year old to take a nap, I ignore the little voice in my head telling me that she may be outgrowing nap time.  I can't face that option today; I'll think about it tomorrow (said in my best Scarlett O'Hara inner voice).  I NEED those precious few afternoon hours to just BE -- to write, to read, to ponder, to study, to sleep (maybe).

And today I got to do all three, magically enough.

I write because I have to. 

 I am compelled. 

 It is my release, cathartic to my soul. 

I write because even as I shut my eyes to nap, taking advantage of the last few minutes of Jacie's nap, I see words -- type-faced, swirling in clouds, stamped on the back of my eyelids, as it were...  And I know that they must be captured and wrestled to paper.

J-a-c-i-e

Jacie can write her name.  

At age 3 1/2, she wrote her name in the upper right hand corner of her paper at the library last week. (We are regular and eager participants in our library's free preschool story time program!)  Like most of her developments, I have not coached her or worked with her hardly at all on writing her name.   I wasn't even sure she could do it, but thought I would just ask and see how much of it she was capable of on her own.  I've seen her attempt a backwards "J" before, but never print her whole name upon being asked to do so.  Each new  development never ceases to amaze me.  

I'm thrilled at this recent accomplishment, and so is she!

Snow Day!

Like the clean, white blanket outside my window, 

the day yawns ahead of me...unexpectedly blissfully empty of outside responsibilities and obligations.  

What shall I do with such luxury? 

 I smile to myself at the mere luxury of the glorious thought 

of minutes not spoken for, 

of hours not already devoured.

 It's a snow day.

Possibilities and plans whirl through my head for inspection. Should I plan ahead -- work ahead on school and church related lesson planning?  Should I cozy up to my computer and a mug of half coffee, half hot chocolate and enjoy the freedom to just veg?  Perhaps today will be a combination of all of the above.  Anything is possible in this day of limitless potential.

First order of business is the little girl impatiently and excitedly searching for outdoor clothes, asking to be "bundled up" to go out and play in the snow.  So she does and I wait for her to come back, smelling of fresh winter air, damp and cold, looking for hot cocoa with marshmallows.

It's a snow day!