Today My Smile is Forced

so you're pregnant again.  glowing with happiness and expectation.  

congratulations flood you, surround you, then it's my turn to smile, to congratulate. 

And I do. 

I believe in babies.  I am pro-family.  

But sometimes it hurts to smile.  

Sometimes the congratulations feel forced. 

I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel nothing but pure, unadulterated joy for you.

But the lump in my throat is real.  

The pain that comes with experiencing my own emptiness again and again won't be ignored.

Depending on the day your news catches me, smiling may come more easily. 

 I may laugh, and exude more genuine joy. 

But then there are the days when I'm struggling.  

when the grief I thought I was done with is breaking me again.  

of course when you share your news, you can't possibly know that  I'm having one of those days. 

But I am.  

And today, my smile is forced.