Easier said than done.
Though I appreciate my husband more than words can say, I often cannot find the words to praise him adequately.
Having read enough marriage books, I know that the compliments that matter to a man are different from the ones that we as women want to hear. In my determination to love my husband better this way (Words of Affirmation are indeed his top love language, too), I have been investigating the best way to compliment my husband. Based on this research -- marriage books, personal observation, and experience -- I have discovered the following ways to compliment my husband:
1.) Be specific!
Hearing "You're great!" may be nice, but even I like to know why or what prompted the compliment. It means more for your husband to hear why you think he's great. (And chances are he'll repeat the action you complimented him for once he knows that it's a hit with you!)
2.) Compliment a quality, not just the appearance or action.
Follow up that "Thanks for taking out the garbage." with "You're always so helpful!" or "I love that I can count on you!" Then watch your man light up like a candle when he feels appreciated as a person and not just for what he does.
3.) Compliment him on how he makes you feel.
Men place great importance on their ability to make their wives feel secure, protected, and loved. His masculinity and view of himself as a successful husband is directly connected to these abilities. Your telling him that he makes you feel special or valued or safe assures him that he's doing his job well. And for a man, "doing his job" appeals more to him than hearing that the color of his shirt matches his eyes.
4.) Tell him that you're proud of him and that you respect him.
The book Love & Respect promotes the idea that men are more moved and motivated by respect, while women need to feel loved. Other marriage books have corroborated this assertion. A compliment that communicates respect for your husband goes further with him than even an "I love you." (I know this reads like Greek to the average woman, but trust me on this one.)
5.) Praise him publicly.
As opposed to ever, ever putting him down in public -- a sad, but very commonly accepted practice in our society today and one that's so easy to get sucked into. Instead, look for ways to praise him. It takes more effort than the reverse practice because it's counter cultural, but make the effort!
I've seen this done in a syrupy, starry-eyed, still-in-the-honeymoon-phase fashion, and it leaves everyone slightly embarrassed or smiling indulgently. But it doesn't have to be done that way. Any prolonged conversation at a social gathering usually covers jobs, daily routines, parenting, or perhaps even how the various couples met. All of these topics provide ample opportunity for you to build up your husband publicly.
When talking about daily routine, mention how patient your husband is with your failed cooking attempts, projects he's successfully completed around the house, or how he helps out with the kids so you can get other things done.
When talking about jobs, reinforce what a hard worker he is or how he's always helping others out.
My favorite opportunity to praise my husband publicly is when we get to talk about how we met. I use this story as a way to promote the godly attributes that drew me to my husband in the first place. After one such retelling of our love story, the man across the restaurant table with whom we were conversing looked at Conroy and asserted, "I bet you love it when she tells that story!" I wasn't sure whether he was being sarcastic or not, but I decided to take it as a compliment to both of us. Apparently the "public praise" was noticeable enough to elicit a response!
And really, how would you rather be known? As the wife who embarrasses herself, her husband, and everyone around them because she is known for criticizing her husband or the wife who thinks the world of her husband and is proud to say so?
2 comments:
Excellent article! Glen loves it when I boast on his multiple handyman skills and brag on the projects he's accomplished (i.e. his wood shed, remodeling the kitchen). He also very much loves to hear how we work well together as a pair, as husband and wife. And the "feeling safe and secure" thing is a definite biggie with Glen. It very much builds him up when I tell him I am so thankful that he is a good provider, a Godly husband, and a goofy, hands-on father.
Thanks, Patti, for your feedback and insights! Those are great examples! Complimenting well is a challenge for my personality -- an area I'm learning and growing in....
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