In particular, I remembered one call when Conroy was away recruiting for the college during the year we dated. I remember hanging up feeling disappointed. Disappointed that nothing "magical" had happened in that particular phone call. We talked, but he was a bit distracted or perhaps I was a bit needy. Either way, my ego wasn't soothed. The in-love feelings weren't bubbling at the conversation's end. Nothing bad happened -- no argument or disagreement -- I just felt flat afterwards, deflated somehow. I remember analyzing my feelings after the phone call last night and coming to these important and far-reaching realizations:
1. An emotional "high" is not the norm. If my expectations for my (then future) husband included him stoking up burning romantic feelings every time we interacted, I was in for a lifetime of disappointment. No single individual can keep us in the "in-love" state forever. That's just not a realistic expectation.
2. Real love is steady. The fact that I usually did come away from our conversations elated, bubbly, and in love means that I'm blessed and we are blessed by a great love that's nearly always burning brightly. But it doesn't mean that "flat" or "blah" times won't come. The ebb and flow of emotions is reality. High pitched, fevered excitement can't be maintained perpetually, but
true, committed love sustains us when the sparks don't fly.
3. Phone calls are not my thing. I'm very glad that much of our dating took place face-to-face, We lived and worked on the same college campus, so we saw each other daily, even often throughout the day. These occasional road trips and resultant time apart requiring phone calls were rare and not the typical form of communication in our dating relationship.
So tonight as I hung up the phone after an "unspecial" phone call, I am thankful for the lesson of disappointment learned while dating. My love for my husband does not burn hot or cold dependent on him stroking my ego or fanning the flames of romance all the time. And I've long since released him from the unhealthy expectation of having to intuitively fulfill my every desire (what an impossible burden that would be!). After nearly 10 years together, I know now with much more certainty than I did at the end of that long-ago phone call that the truth of our relationship does not hinge on butterflies after each conversation.
Advice to Dating Couples: Date long enough so you experience some disappointment -- whether it's with each other or with "love" itself. Then reflect on the cause of the disappointment. Is it a character issue in your partner or is it your own expectation that needs to be evaluated? Allow dating to be a time of learning, then apply those lessons learned to your marriage should you marry.
I'm still reaping the benefits of lessons learned while dating 10 years later!
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