Why Theology is More Important than any Marriage or Parenting Book

Reading marriage books is a popcorn-like addiction for me (and I really like popcorn, just ask my husband).  I started reading marriage books as a teenager -- then mostly for the illustrations, but also since I wanted to be a counselor one day.  I would think "It's just so simple. Do A, B, and C and you'll have a dream marriage!"

I gravitate to parenting books in the same way.  "What new trick or technique or insight will transform me into a stellar parent?" I think.   And then I also mentally bemoaned, "Oh, if only so-and-so would just read this book, implement that strategy, or understand this idea -- all his/her problems would be solved!"

Now don't get me wrong.  Christian marriage books and parenting books can be very helpful and enlightening. But they are not magic bullets.

The church is not just one tip away from transforming marriage. 

 "If only the church would have this seminar or that training on marriage or parenting," I've often heard the lament.  But that seminar or this training will not transform your marriage or your parenting. Theology will.

I know, I know -- to most people "theology" is a stuffy, dead word. But that's because most people don't know what it means.  "Theology" literally means "the study of God."

Do we believe that knowing God is the most important knowledge to have? 

Do we really believe that knowing Him transforms our lives to the core -- from the inside out, beginning with our own hearts and filtering out into our relationships, especially those closest to us like our spouse and kids? 

If we really believe that knowing God makes all the difference, why does it come as a surprise to us that our theology is more important to our marriage and our parenting than the latest book on communication?

Four Reasons Theology Matters More:

1. Theology helps me understand the complete and ruinous nature of sin.  When I understand that I am a sinner, my spouse is a sinner, and my children our sinners, I will cease being shocked and disillusioned but their sin. I will not have impossible expectations for my spouse and my children.  I will not automatically expect that marriage will be a bed of roses and my children will behave like angels all the time. In one article I read recently, the author blamed the church for her unhappiness in her marriage with a line of reasoning that went something like "the church should have warned me that even if I did everything right in my dating relationship, my marriage would still be hard and frustrating at times." My husband's comment in response to my sharing the gist with him was to point out her lack of understanding the theology of sin.  As is so succinctly stated in the movie Princess Bride, "Life is difficult, Highness. Anyone who tells you different is selling something."  When I understand that sin has taken everything that God created perfect and has twisted it, I will cease to be surprised by sin's presence in my relationships.

2.  Theology highlights my inability and points to my need for God's intervention.  If I am convinced of my sinfulness, I will recognize my need for God in all of my interactions.  I will pray more for God's help as I seek to love my husband and raise my children in The Lord.  I will be Spirit led rather than self led. I will be humble and quick to ask for forgiveness.  This broken spirit will transform my relationships.

3. Theology reminds me that I have been forgiven much so I must forgive others. If you were raised in a Christian home, Ephesians 4:32 was probably one of the first verses you memorized as a child.  The last part is especially relevant here ~

 "...forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you." 

As a child, I had no idea of the depth of theology packed into that short, familiar phrase.  Time and attention span fail me when it comes to unpacking all of the ramifications of God's forgiveness of my sin due to Christ's work on the cross, but suffice it to say -- I have no business becoming bitter or holding a grudge against my spouse or child when I understand how great a debt God forgave me.

4.  Theology equips me to do what I cannot do on my own. Understanding scripture informs me that I have the strength, power, and wisdom of the God's own Spirit living inside of me, so I can and must live a godly, transformed life.  I can and must love my spouse and children in a Christlike way. Theology also teaches me how to do these things.  One parenting book I read answered the oft-posed question "Why does the Bible have so little to say about the how-to's of parenting?" The author countered this assumption by pointing out that Bible teaches us how to live, how to be kind, how to be wise -- so the carry over becomes self-evident -- we must be kind to our children, loving to our children, patient with our children, etc.  The Bible gives us the fruit of the Spirit and shows us what love looks like (1 Cor. 13). If we out on these Christian attributes, we will be godly people, godly spouses, and godly parents.

Sounds simplistic? Perhaps. But as any dedicated Christian knows,

 it may be basic, but it's not easy.

It's not easy to put to death the flesh every day, but that's the way of life for a Christian.  That's the bottomline marriage and parenting advice of Scripture.  And it's sufficient.

So am I done with Christian marriage and parenting books?  Nah.  But I will give them their proper place, not crediting them with any more weight than their due.  And I will advocate Scriptural theology as the best and only truly sufficient answer to the issues of life.