4 Questions to Ask When Navigating Conflict in Marriage

Conflict in marriage.  It's inevitable.  The question is how do we deal with it?  Depending on personality, we usually veer one of two ways -- explode in anger or clam up and withdraw.  I admit my go-to response is to clam up and withdraw, and when that gets no response, then I unleash the torrent of pent-up words.

Of course, I do realize that's not the right way to handle conflict.

Also, once one has been married for more than a few years, one begins to feel like she's having the same argument over and over again.  As an analytical thinker, once I began to recognize this cycle in our marriage when it came to certain issues (every couple has their own unique "sticking point" that rears its ugly head occasionally, I'm convinced), I began to think about my response.  What should it be?  How do I not allow this particular issue to drive a wedge in our relationship while still addressing the concerns it raises?  (Anyone else been here???)

So I developed this list of questions to ask myself before bringing a particular issue to a head in full-blown conflict mode:

1.) Is there any chance I'm over-reacting, emotional for some reason other than the presenting conflict, and thus not thinking clearly?  If I'm not sure about this answer, I may wait a few days to see if I still feel as strongly.  Sometimes, things truly do look different in the next morning's light!

2.)  Is this a repeated occurrence, and if so, how long has it been since the last occurrence? Occasional errors and irritations happen to all of us.  I'm so thankful my husband doesn't get upset with me every time I do something he doesn't like!  I certainly want to return the favor to him. However, if it is a repeated habit or behavior, it's likely to happen again, thus should probably be addressed.

3.)  How has he responded to a discussion of this issue in the past?  Is is a particularly sore subject?  Or is he usually open to my approaching him on the issue (of course, depending on the tone  and tenor of my approach....)?   An area of conflict that is a particularly sore subject may require very careful handling, and certainly lots of prayer.

4.)  If not addressed, will this issue lead to bigger problems in our relationship? Or is it something fairly minimal that I can get past (even if it takes some work on my part)?
Honestly, this is the most difficult question for me to accurately discern.  I think "but it really BOTHERS me, so, of course, it's affecting our marriage negatively." But is it merely an irritation, a personality difference that I should just learn to overlook, to bear with patiently?  I rationalize, "but if I just let it go, then I'll start resenting him for it and then it will drive a wedge in our relationship and lead to a bigger problem."  And this is where I get stuck.  Resentment is a serious issue.  But is it MY heart issue, to wrestle out with the Lord or does it necessitate addressing with my husband?

All in all, these questions have helped me to clarify what is a true "We need to sit down and work this out" type of conflict and what I need to let go by God's grace.  While nothing permanently rids us of conflict while on this earth, I'm thankful for the Spirit of God Who continually refines us so that  we can become better, more gracious conflict-handlers by His grace!

It's your turn:  How do you handle conflict in your marriage?