Our Out-of-the-Box Thanksgivings

Thanksgiving has always been an eclectic sort of holiday for me.  Living so far from extended family, my parents looked for alternative ways to make Thanksgiving meaningful - even if we as kids didn't always appreciate their intentions.

My Thanksgiving memories from yesteryear include:

•  faux Indian name tags (like Babbling Brook) at our place settings;
•  inviting over the people from church who had no place else to go either (like the mentally challenged woman who had no concept of personal space that we as kids groaned about inviting over);
• plastic tablecloths with magic-marker "I'm thankful for..." statements by each of us, carried over from year to year, a source of ribbing among us siblings as the names of the boyfriends written in indelible ink changed with the calendar year.

Fast-forward to my adult married Thanksgivings ~ Now both of our extended families live far away, so Thanksgiving is still on our own.  So the tradition, begun in my childhood, carries over, but with our own unique twists.  I admit, I'm not so handy or creative with the "fun" name tags, but we find our Thanksgivings to be a new adventure from year-to-year.

• One year, soon after we were married, we had a "very Jamaican Thanksgiving" with our close friends, cooking traditional American food alongside authentic Jamaican cuisine. 
• Another year, Thanksgiving consisted of a dozen or so international students from my ESL class clustered around our coffee table in our living room, enjoying their first-ever dinner in a real-life American home. 
• Last year, we had two Thanksgivings -- to fit in different schedules for different friends.  
• This year we enjoyed having our "adopted" college kids home with us for the week, cutting down a real tree (first time for them), and cooking turkey in a whole new way.  

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for the legacy my parents provided -- for the example of looking beyond ourselves.  And now we're pretty excited about our tradition of non-traditional Thanksgivings.  I can't wait to see where the next Thanksgivings will take us and who will grace our table next!

Twas the Snow Day before Thanksgiving....

Twas the snow day before Thanksgiving, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse....

Except for a certain little four-year-old girl, who sprang through the house,
Crying, "It's snowing, it's snowing!" with utter delight.

She sprang to the window, exclaiming with joy,
bouncing up and down like a wind-up toy.

As quickly as she could rouse her dad and her mom,
she had them scurrying to dress her up nice and warm.

Donned with boots, gloves, coat, hat,
she fearlessly braves the cold and the wet.

Within minutes returning to bang on the glass,
with a rallying cry to join her repast!

So Mom and Dad bundled up, too,
building a snowman and admiring the view,

Of snowflakes wending their way from the skies
and a happy little girl with sparkling dark eyes.

Perspective

Perspective doesn't mean absence of pain.

                                    Perspective doesn't even mean peace.

Perspective adds some sense to what would otherwise be senseless.

It lends a small tinge of sanity in an otherwise insane experience.

I think we expect too much of perspective.

We put too much faith in its power.

Yet we need it as a barrier against dropping into the abyss of grief, loss, pain, and heartache.

We need to know that there's a bigger plan.  So perspective gives us this.  

But that's all it can give -- knowledge, awareness, recognition.  

Not solace, not comfort, not assuaging of suffering.

The rational mind seeks perspective, while the heart turns away, knowing that what it seeks can't be found there.  

Today My Smile is Forced

so you're pregnant again.  glowing with happiness and expectation.  

congratulations flood you, surround you, then it's my turn to smile, to congratulate. 

And I do. 

I believe in babies.  I am pro-family.  

But sometimes it hurts to smile.  

Sometimes the congratulations feel forced. 

I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel nothing but pure, unadulterated joy for you.

But the lump in my throat is real.  

The pain that comes with experiencing my own emptiness again and again won't be ignored.

Depending on the day your news catches me, smiling may come more easily. 

 I may laugh, and exude more genuine joy. 

But then there are the days when I'm struggling.  

when the grief I thought I was done with is breaking me again.  

of course when you share your news, you can't possibly know that  I'm having one of those days. 

But I am.  

And today, my smile is forced.

Jacie-isms

Another Jacie post.  We've been having the most incredible conversations lately!  I love her analytical little mind.

Highlights:

Recently, she's been telling me emphatically, "Everyone has birthdays, even adults, until they're old enough to go heaven!"  (I like that perspective!)

This morning she complained that she didn't want to go to school because all of her friends are sinners. (Of course, I took the opportunity to explain that we are all sinners, but God wants us show love to each other even as He showed love to use "while we were yet sinners.")

She informed the cashiers at Walmart that she's gonna get a job there when she's 16, though at a later time when I asked her where she wanted work, she told me Target "because they have empty cash register lanes, so there's enough room for me to work there."

Her main goals in life are to drive a car and have a baby -- She told me that what would be the best "job." And that she's going to live in a house that we give her when she's grown up.

And, just when I think I can't be astonished anymore, I discover upon picking her up from AWANA that her paper is the one not colored, but with the word search done!

I love that I get to parent this little girl!

Still

Definitely not original with me, the words of this old poem by Harriet Beecher Stowe popped into my mind this morning during my meditation time:

Still, still with thee, when purple morning breaketh,
When the bird waketh and the shadows flee;
Fairer than morning, lovelier than the daylight,
Dawns the sweet consciousness, I am with thee!

Alone with thee, amid the mystic shadows,
The solemn hush of nature newly born;
Alone with thee in breathless adoration,
In the calm dew and freshness of the morn.
As in the dawning o'er the waveless ocean
The image of the morning star doth rest,
So in this stillness thou beholdest onlyThine image in the waters of my breast.

Still, still with thee! as to each new-born morning
A fresh and solemn splendor still is given,
So doth this blessed consciousness, awaking,
Breathe, each day, nearness unto thee and heaven.
When sinks the soul, subdued by toil, to slumber,
Its closing eye looks up to thee in prayer,
Sweet the repose beneath thy wings o'ershading,
But sweeter still to wake and find thee there.
So shall it be at last, in that bright morning
When the soul waketh and life's shadows flee;
O, in that hour, fairer than daylight dawning,
Shall rise the glorious thought, I am with thee!

Becoming Cinderella in a "Stepsister" kind of World

My four-year-old has become enamored of Cinderella lately.  We borrowed the original Disney movie from our local library last week, and it's only accentuated her fascination.  Jacie's adopted the language of the Cinderella story as suits her, recently informing me with an exaggerated pout that I'm "so cruel" when I told her she can't have chocolate chip waffles every morning.

The playacting took a turn this afternoon while we were out with her little cousin.  Rounding on the younger girl trailing behind her in the store, Jacie commanded imperiously, "Cinderella!  Come here, Cinderella!"  My sister and I looked at each other bewildered, and I queried, "So if your cousin's Cinderella, then who does that make you, Jacie?  The mean stepsister?"

And it dawned on me that --of course! -- It's more attractive to be the one giving orders than to be the one following them.  It's far more appealing to be the one using someone than to be the one being used.

The good old-fashioned Disney move extols Cinderella for being good as well as beautiful (By the way, don't you just love the morality of the bygone era when beauty and goodness were entwined?) She sings as she works, shows kindness to all around her, and meekly submits to authority, even unloving authority.

But realistically, who wants to be the servant, cheerfully waiting on the selfish demands of people who take her for granted? Who wants to give, knowing she will never receive in return?

Perhaps Jacie didn't analyze her choice of role-playing the evil stepsister with this much scrutiny.  She didn't need to.  The innate selfishness of her human heart kicked in, and she gravitated toward the role that gave her the upper hand.

Isn't that who we all are, though?

If we're honest, isn't there a streak of "wicked stepsister" in each of us?  

Wouldn't we rather be the one being served than the one doing the serving?  Don't we recoil with disgust at the mere suggestion of being used or taken for granted?

Oh, may I become like Heaven's Cinderella, the Son of man Who "did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."  (Matt. 20:28)

How to Compliment Your Husband

True Confession:  Complimenting does not come naturally to me.  I'm a natural criticizer.  However, criticism does not win friends nor does it make for a good marriage.  And I love to be complimented, so.... over the years, I've put two and two together and have made a concerted effort to be more complimentary to others in general and to my husband in particular.  

Easier said than done.  

Though I appreciate my husband more than words can say, I often cannot find the words to praise him adequately. 

Having read enough marriage books, I know that the compliments that matter to a man are different from the ones that we as women want to hear.  In my determination to love my husband better this way (Words of Affirmation are indeed his top love language, too), I have been investigating the best way to compliment my husband.  Based on this research -- marriage books, personal observation, and experience -- I have discovered the following ways to compliment my husband: 

1.)  Be specific!  

Hearing "You're great!"  may be nice, but even I like to know why or what prompted the compliment. It means more for your husband to hear why you think he's great.  (And chances are he'll repeat the action you complimented him for once he knows that it's a hit with you!)

2.) Compliment a quality, not just the appearance or action.  

Follow up that "Thanks for taking out the garbage." with "You're always so helpful!" or "I love that I can count on you!"  Then watch your man light up like a candle when he feels appreciated as a person and not just for what he does.

3.) Compliment him on how he makes you feel.  

Men place great importance on their ability to make their wives feel secure, protected, and loved.  His masculinity and view of himself as a successful husband is directly connected to these abilities.  Your telling him that he makes you feel special or valued or safe assures him that he's doing his job well. And for a man, "doing his job" appeals more to him than hearing that the color of his shirt matches his eyes.

4.) Tell him that you're proud of him and that you respect him. 

The book Love & Respect promotes the idea that men are more moved and motivated by respect, while women need to feel loved.  Other marriage books have corroborated this assertion.  A compliment that communicates respect for your husband goes further with him than even an "I love you."  (I know this reads like Greek to the average woman, but trust me on this one.)

5.) Praise him publicly.

As opposed to ever, ever putting him down in public  -- a sad, but very commonly accepted practice in our society today and one that's so easy to get sucked into.  Instead, look for ways to praise him.  It takes more effort than the reverse practice because it's counter cultural, but make the effort! 

 I've seen this done in a syrupy, starry-eyed, still-in-the-honeymoon-phase fashion, and it leaves everyone slightly embarrassed or smiling indulgently.  But it doesn't have to be done that way.  Any prolonged conversation at a social gathering usually covers jobs, daily routines, parenting, or perhaps even how the various couples met.  All of these topics provide ample opportunity for you to build up your husband publicly.  

When talking about daily routine, mention how patient your husband is with your failed cooking attempts, projects he's successfully completed around the house, or how he helps out with the kids so you can get other things done.  

When talking about jobs, reinforce what a hard worker he is or how he's always helping others out. 

 My favorite opportunity to praise my husband publicly is when we get to talk about how we met.  I use this story as a way to promote the godly attributes that drew me to my husband in the first place. After one such retelling of our love story, the man across the restaurant table with whom we were conversing looked at Conroy and asserted, "I bet you love it when she tells that story!"  I wasn't sure whether he was being sarcastic or not, but I decided to take it as a compliment to both of us. Apparently the "public praise" was noticeable enough to elicit a response!  

And really, how would you rather be known?  As the wife who embarrasses herself, her husband, and everyone around them because she is known for criticizing her husband or the wife who thinks the world of her husband and is proud to say so?

4 Signs Your 4-Year-Old May Have a Frozen Fixation

1.  She wakes you up in the morning with a knock on the bedroom door and a cheery "It's Coronation Day!"  proclamation.

2.  When role-playing the movie, she corrects your "frozen" stance, adjusting your arms to correctly simulate the posture in which Anna was frozen at the end of the movie.

3.   She knows that Anna and Elsa are from Arendelle (and knows how to correctly pronounce it), but doesn't know what the name of her own state is.

4.  Deep, analytical conversations involving Anna and Elsa's moods and motivations at key points in the movie. "Mommy, Elsa was happy when she was in the ice castle she made, but Anna was sad when Elsa hurt her."

Yes.  This is my daughter.  This is my life right now.  And don't think I can't see all you moms of little girls nodding your heads in agreement through the computer as you read this, because I can and I do.