Five Minute Friday: CLOSE

Close.  What qualifies as close?

Sharing intimate secrets with a sweet soul friend is close.  

Cuddling beneath a warm blanket, watching a movie with my husband is close.
                   
Feeling my three-year-old smashed up against me bumping my elbow as I work is close!

But in each of those moments, closeness is fleeting,  The next time we talk, my friend may fail to acknowledge my needs like she did in the previous conversation.  My husband may pause the movie to take a phone call and walk away, leaving me feeling bereft and neglected.  My three-year-old may be close in proximity, but is yet too young to minister to the needs of my heart.  Her closeness is all demand.

So to whom do I run when I desire more closeness than finite humans can possibly give?  I run to Jesus ~my soul's deepest Desire, my Friend.  And I remember:

"There is a friend Who sticks closer than a brother...."

"Routines and Rhythms"

How do I live, really LIVE, and not get bogged down by the daily grind?  The most freeing concept I've discovered in recent years is the idea of embracing the rhythms of my day.  More freeing than a "schedule" and nicer-sounding than "routine,"  "rhythm" has become my focus.  I gravitate more toward routine than chaos.  I like life to be structured and ordered.  However, I am NOT a Type -A personality and feel too stifled if routine becomes a rigid schedule with no flexibility.

In the book she co-authored, Sally Clarkson discusses finding and embracing the rhythms of your day.  Immediately, this concept resonated with me.  While not every moment of every day has to be planned out, certain times should be reserved for certain activities on a daily basis.  Our kids benefit from having routine in their lives, and we as moms and homemakers can find freedom in knowing that needs/tasks will be met at their appropriate times.  

In Sally's book Desperate, she gives this example:  The first hour of the morning might be a "tidy-up" time -- kid's rooms, breakfast dishes, laundry started.  Then the next clean-up time might be a 15-30 minute segment of time just before "Daddy" comes home.  Sally suggests putting music on and having all the kids help in cleaning up toys and other items strewn about from the day's activities.  

Sally emphasizes embracing your unique strengths and not letting someone else's schedule or routine dictate yours.  Some women love to spend lots of time in the kitchen -- finding a "rhythm" that allows you plenty of time to enjoy your passion will make you a better, happier wife, mother, and person!  Other women want more time to pursue outdoor activities with their kids, instilling in them in a love for nature, for God's handiwork in creation.  Relegating housekeeping tasks to certain portions of the day frees these women up to explore their interest and pass it on to their children.  

I love writing and I love reading.  I want Jacie to enjoy and be passionate about good books.  I also want her to love God through the outdoors, through Bible reading.  I desire for her to develop a ministry mindset -- a heart for serving others.  So how can I facilitate these things in her?  I also want her to have good work ethic, so I do see the value of her learning to do housework alongside me, as well.

Based on these values and priorities, the rhythms in my day look something like this:  

Mornings:  Breakfast and clean-up are the first hour of each day.  Then we go to the market or the library, run errands or do any visits in the morning -- so we are generally out and about in the mornings during the week.  

Afternoons:  I try to come home by noon so we can eat lunch, Jacie can play, then we read together before she takes a nap or at least has a quiet time in her room.  So the afternoons are quiet times -- I do my Bible study, and lesson plans, or blogging during those afternoon hours.  By the time she gets up, it's time to prep for supper. Sometimes she helps me and sometimes I let her get on the iPad (she has learning and reading apps on it, as well as short Bible songs and videos she's allowed to watch. 

Evenings:  After supper, I clean up and either run or we take a walk or play as a family until 7:30 when Jacie gets ready for bed.  We read together and pray together and the goal is to have her in bed between 8-8:30 (depending on whether or not she actually napped that day).  After Jacie's in bed, Conroy and I get a chance to re-connect.  (Thus the maxim that a kid's bedtime is really for the parents!)

Recognizing that I don't have to schedule out every hour of my day has been freeing to me in several ways:

1.  I don't spend my time with Jacie feeling guilty that I should be "accomplishing" something.

2. I am more able to fully embrace and enjoy down time.

3.  I am more productive during down time -- I don't have to choose between what I should do (clean or cook) and what I want to do (read or blog or lesson prep). 

4.  If the "unexpected" comes up, then we are flexible enough to embrace that, too.  

When I look back over my life  and in particular over these fleeting child-raising years, I want to look back on it as having been a "Mary" time, not a "Martha" time.  Though "Martha-like" days hit all of us at times , I want to know that I've spent my life sitting at His feet, seeing His face in the ordinary, hearing His voice in the laughter of my child -- and stopping to laugh with her.

What about you?  How to you keep your day vision-centered and not task-oriented?

Running

This morning I got to run -- doesn't happen often with a preschooler almost always at my hip and a husband who works long hours -- but this morning, I got to run.

I have a love - hate relationship with running.  In my teens and early twenties, it was all hate.  But in my late twenties, running became my catharsis -- my outlet for the stress of my day, my way of sorting out the desperation in my soul.  That's when I fell in love.  I fell in love with running right about the same time I fell in love with my husband-to-be as we ran together, solving the problems of the world as we ran. Each day, I couldn't wait to run!

Fast forward to now, 8 or 9 years later, running is again a love-hate relationship.  Some days I love it. Other days my spirit loves it, but my body hates it.

Today was a good run day -- not that my body didn't protest at times.  But today, I felt the strong breeze push against my body, and I pushed back.. Today, the warmth of the sun felt strong and sure, like my feet as they hit the pavement.  Today, the lilac-scented air breathed life in my lungs and energized me.  Today, running was me embracing summer, absorbing nature with all my senses.

Today, I loved running.

Dangerous Disappointment

My spirit aches and my hand stretches out -- feebly, not too obviously (Heaven forbid, I seem needy!)  And then it happens:  the sting of rebuff, the gesture ignored, supplication met with silence.


Disappointment.   Dashed expectations.

Looking for comfort and finding none.  

My soul cries out, "Where do I go for comfort, for relief?"  And His Spirit answers, "To Me, Child. I'm always the Best Answer, the Greatest Comforter, the most Faithful Friend."

And I wonder when I will learn to seek Him first. When will I learn that He's always near to the broken-hearted, that He understands the sting of reproach and hurt?

I feel the ache and groan of living in a fallen world, wrestling with my sinful go-to responses to being sinned against.  I hate the sting; I hate the heart response of bitterness that wells up in my heart so quickly.  I fight against these sinful heart responses, at the same time feeling the futility of the fight, the relentlessness of the battle.  It will rear its ugly head again.  I will fight the same battle again, maybe in another hour, maybe the next day.  Self, wounded pride, and pity are not enemies that die easily or quickly.

But Who have I in Heaven, but You, O Lord?  Who else shall I turn to? You are my Faithful Friend, the Healer of my heart, and the only One Who takes my sin away.

Be near to me now.

Five Minute Friday: MESS

I love the country song "What a Beautiful Mess I'm In!" because that describes the way I view the mess of my daughter's toys, 

                           of un-dusted shelves,

                                    of a sink piled with dishes, 

                                                of sauce spots on the linoleum, 

                                                          of toothpaste streaks on the bathroom mirror...

 It's a beautiful mess. 

A mess that represents a life spent more in soul-nurturing than in cleaning.  

A life spent sitting on the sofa reading favorite storybooks to my little girl.

A life spent opening our home to international students for whom cooking is a connection to home,.

A life spent talking and laughing with my husband in the evening hours instead of cleaning.  

No, my house isn't a pigsty.  I do clean sometimes.  But it's not spotless either.  And I'm okay with that.

Because I want my life to be more about the memories made in the mess than in existing in a sterile environment.

4 Ways to Cultivate a Healthy Attitude toward BEAUTY in our Daughters

"Beauty is only skin-deep."  

Inner beauty is of greater importance than outer beauty.

Every girl needs to believe she is beautiful.

Emphasize strong, capable, healthy bodies over physical beauty.

The above statements are just a few examples of the conflicting information we hear and read.  As the mother of a young daughter, I read the various articles, posts, and blogs regarding beauty with a thoughtful mind.  I want the best for my daughter.  What parent doesn't?

I want her to be ALL of the above --- strong, beautiful, confident, and healthy.  

But I also want her to be humble.  

So where is the balance?  What ought we to emphasize with our daughters?  How do we counter our culture's claims that beauty manifests itself a certain way only?  

1.  Compliment character more than physical beauty -- not only in your daughter, but in everyone around you.  If your children hear you commenting more on some one's generosity, kindness, or godly example than on her dress, hair, and weight, they will begin to understand the importance of virtue over vanity.

2.  Avoid complaining about your own physical flaws.  Children pick up on hypocrisy quickly.  If they see that we spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about our own looks, then no matter what we say to the contrary, they will get the message that beauty is of utmost importance.

3.  Teach your daughter how to dress, apply make-up, and style her hair according to her interest.  Does this advice seem to conflict with the first two items?  I think not.  We mustn't be like the Ascetics who despised the physical and only found worth in the spiritual.  Even the Bible speaks positively of Esther, Sarah, and Rebekah as being very beautiful women.  If we as mothers are involved in these beauty processes, we can steer our daughters to understated, modest application of beauty aids and styles while still allowing for and appreciating each girl's individual style. Some of my earliest memories and impressions of beauty are of my gracious and godly mother applying make-up in the morning.  Even though I anticipated the age when I would be allowed to do so, outer beauty never became an obsession with me as a teenager because the emphasis in our home was on character development rather than the physical.  In a large part due to this modeled balance of outer and inner beauty, I managed to almost completely avoid the beauty/diet craze until I went away to college.  When I see so many young teenagers in high school agonizing about dieting and fashion, my heart is so sad for them.  Teen years are hard enough without the added pressure and angst that emphasis on physical beauty brings with it.  I attribute much of my inner confidence and self-worth as a young adult to the lack of undue emphasis on external beauty during those earlier formative years of life.

4.  Comment on and compliment your child's strengths and uniqueness.  In observing current beauty trends, I've noticed an emphasis on uniqueness lately that is refreshing.  Teen models (while still too waif-ishly thin) are more "average" in appearance -- natural-looking and not cookie-cutter.  Asymmetrical features, uneven or gapped teeth, freckles, or even a pronounced nose are all acceptable even sought-after attributes by the agencies who want their models to "stand out" as different from the status quo.  While very little of mainstream beauty ideals should be paid attention to, this trend ought to be the way we teach our children to view themselves and other.  What makes a person unique is what makes her beautiful.
Focusing on and helping our children to see how their own unique qualities -- both physically and otherwise -- will assist them in developing God-given confidence and appreciation of His unique stamp on their lives.

4 Questions to Ask When Navigating Conflict in Marriage

Conflict in marriage.  It's inevitable.  The question is how do we deal with it?  Depending on personality, we usually veer one of two ways -- explode in anger or clam up and withdraw.  I admit my go-to response is to clam up and withdraw, and when that gets no response, then I unleash the torrent of pent-up words.

Of course, I do realize that's not the right way to handle conflict.

Also, once one has been married for more than a few years, one begins to feel like she's having the same argument over and over again.  As an analytical thinker, once I began to recognize this cycle in our marriage when it came to certain issues (every couple has their own unique "sticking point" that rears its ugly head occasionally, I'm convinced), I began to think about my response.  What should it be?  How do I not allow this particular issue to drive a wedge in our relationship while still addressing the concerns it raises?  (Anyone else been here???)

So I developed this list of questions to ask myself before bringing a particular issue to a head in full-blown conflict mode:

1.) Is there any chance I'm over-reacting, emotional for some reason other than the presenting conflict, and thus not thinking clearly?  If I'm not sure about this answer, I may wait a few days to see if I still feel as strongly.  Sometimes, things truly do look different in the next morning's light!

2.)  Is this a repeated occurrence, and if so, how long has it been since the last occurrence? Occasional errors and irritations happen to all of us.  I'm so thankful my husband doesn't get upset with me every time I do something he doesn't like!  I certainly want to return the favor to him. However, if it is a repeated habit or behavior, it's likely to happen again, thus should probably be addressed.

3.)  How has he responded to a discussion of this issue in the past?  Is is a particularly sore subject?  Or is he usually open to my approaching him on the issue (of course, depending on the tone  and tenor of my approach....)?   An area of conflict that is a particularly sore subject may require very careful handling, and certainly lots of prayer.

4.)  If not addressed, will this issue lead to bigger problems in our relationship? Or is it something fairly minimal that I can get past (even if it takes some work on my part)?
Honestly, this is the most difficult question for me to accurately discern.  I think "but it really BOTHERS me, so, of course, it's affecting our marriage negatively." But is it merely an irritation, a personality difference that I should just learn to overlook, to bear with patiently?  I rationalize, "but if I just let it go, then I'll start resenting him for it and then it will drive a wedge in our relationship and lead to a bigger problem."  And this is where I get stuck.  Resentment is a serious issue.  But is it MY heart issue, to wrestle out with the Lord or does it necessitate addressing with my husband?

All in all, these questions have helped me to clarify what is a true "We need to sit down and work this out" type of conflict and what I need to let go by God's grace.  While nothing permanently rids us of conflict while on this earth, I'm thankful for the Spirit of God Who continually refines us so that  we can become better, more gracious conflict-handlers by His grace!

It's your turn:  How do you handle conflict in your marriage?